RIP Angel

I wanted to take a quick moment and ask that if you are reading this to please have a moment of silence for the storm victims this last week. One particular story has hit a strong heart string with me. Angel (3-yrs-old) and her entire family, parents and two more siblings (one being a newborn) lost their life in a tornado that landed Angel in a field ten miles from her home.

Take a moment, no matter how bad you think your day has gone and think of five things or people you are grateful for. Including, as my Dad would say, being vertical and breathing. My other five:

1) I have a husband who loves and supports me.

2) I have a stable job that I enjoy.

3) I have a family who I know would be there for me no matter what.

4) I am healthy.

5) I have awesome friends who have helped me through this deployment.

BONUS:

Deployment is almost over!! :)

RIP Angel, her family, and everyone who was effected by the storms.

78 Days--Reasons I love my soldier.

 Ok so Shawn sent me this awful article last night and he was livid over the author's audacity and blatant disrespect for the military and what they do. I will not post the article link because I don't want to be responsible for any additions to her "view count." However basically she says that all military personnel are either suicidal, depressed, mentally unstable, crippled, or homicidal. She says some other very inappropriate things that I won't get into because this blog is not about that. This blog, in its entirety, is about my love and journey with my American Hero. Shawn. The man. The soldier. My husband.

  Now I considered making this entry in my blog my response to her, however I've decided that someone with that little respect for my husband and I does not deserve a response so instead I'm just going to give my personal reasons as to why I love the man I'm with and why him being a soldier makes me even more proud to be called his wife.


1. Shawn and I fell in love long before the Army ever crossed his mind. I think that time allowed for us to find out a lot about one another without only seeing the other once every couple of months.

2. The Army is what made us get back together in the first place.

3. I know that for at least the next three years any health problems I have are taken care of and I will never have to worry if my husband is going to be laid off next week.

4. My husband joined the Army because he wanted to become a better man. He is willing to sacrifice his life in order for you and I to enjoy the country we are so blessed to live in.

5. I knew when my husband received orders for deployment the potential for PTSD, loss of limbs, disfigurement, etc would be there. But I would never turn my back on the one I love out of fear because, in my opinion, someone who did that would be a coward, and that my friends is something I'll never be.

6. I also understood when I signed my marriage certificate that I was signing up for long, lonely nights waiting for the next phone call from him. And I knew I would live in fear for 365 days of having men in dress blues show up on my doorstep.

7. However seeing my husband for the first time in 8 months made all of #6 completely worth it.

8. If, God forbid, the worse were to happen I know that I have an entire Nation standing behind me to support me in my loss and grief. I also know that the Army will do their best to take care of me as things are put in order.

9. I know moving from state to state (or even across the world) can be difficult on children but I am also confident in knowing that Shawn will be the best father he possibly can and when he can't I will try to fulfill both roles to the best of my ability.

10. I have never been more proud of a person in my life than I am of my husband. There are no adequate words to describe what I felt when I saw him graduate from boot camp or when I saw him board the bus to head to Afghanistan.

  There are a lot more reasons why loving Shawn is right for me, soldier or not. But I will say this, If anyone so much as dares to say something negative about our troops or my soldier to my face you better believe they won't be standing before they're even able to finish the first sentence. I love my husband. I love my country. And I love being an Army Wife. Hooah! ;)

81 Days

Well I have had a very enjoyable/productive couple of days. First of all I had Saturday and Sunday off, the first time I've had two days off in a row since I've been back home (which has already been a month!!). So I caught up on all the stuff around the house that I've let go which means I; did all the laundry, finally unpacked from the trip home, deep cleaned the entire house, and basically organized everything that needed it. I also completed my first my week of school since taking my leave of absence and I am officially halfway through my second week of Operation: Makeover. And I spent some needed time with the puppies as well.

Tonight I cooked dinner for Stephanie and I, hamburger steak, green beans, mashed potatoes, biscuits, and cake. Except the cake ended up looking like I put it through the blender..or that my mom tried to cut it. Lmao! It was super moist and I was trying to ice it and decorate it before Steph arrived and went to flip the top layer on the bottom and it just completely fell a part..However!! It was still amazingly delicious.

Another exciting event was seeing the Northern Lights tonight. I saw them very dimly a couple nights ago and wasn't that impressed but tonight there was a gorgeous green aurora over the house so we stood outside for a bit and gazed at it.

The puppies are doing really well. Molly is on a diet because she's put on a bit too much weight over this last year so I'm starting to work on that. And Gibson is just driving me nuts, he has been so antsy the last couple of days...maybe he feels my excitement over Shawn being home so soon?

Speaking of Shawn I watched our wedding rehearsal video yesterday and we did this disgustingly adorable thing and it was actually caught on tape! He came up behind me and kissed my shoulder and we kissed then we played keep away with kisses until we ended up doing "eskimo kisses." It's so cute, I miss him and our shenanigans.

Operation: Makeover is going really well. And seeing as how I'm in week two and going into week three I've decided to share what I'm doing. So about a month ago Steph was really excited about this workout program that she was doing and I took her first week before and after pictures and you could already tell the difference! So I told her a few days later that I wanted to give it a shot and she happened to have an extra set of DVDs and so I started the program. It's called "Brazil Butt Lift." And It. Is. AWESOME. If you're reading this blog you probably already know me and my personality and let's face it I do not enjoy "working out." I like being active, horses, softball, games, that kind of thing. Well seeing that I don't have those outlets here I decided that enough was freaking enough I needed to do something about my weight. Not only for health reasons but because I was no longer comfortable in my own skin anymore and I hated it. And the biggest reason why I didn't want to change anything was because it was going to take too much effort. To much effort to cook healthy meals rather than grabbing food on the way home. To much effort to come home after working all day and then workout too. So initially I was really nervous about the program. I bought a cardio video a few months ago and couldn't get through ten minutes of it! So I didn't tell very many people about it because to be honest I didn't know if I was going to stick with it. But I have and it is one of the best workouts I have ever done or seen. It's not that its easy and there's some stuff that I'll have to work up to but its doable and that's what is important. I normally have two workouts a day and I haven't missed one and unless something crazy happens I'm not going to. Mostly because I know how disappointed in myself I would be. This is the first time that I've ever molded my life to the way that would make me happy and it is such an empowering feeling and I am absolutely stoked to be able to say "I did it." at the end of this program.

So anyway I'm really proud and happy with the progress and proud of how well everything is going right now. Shawn is going to be home so soon and I am just so stinking excited! AND I think I might know what dress I'll be picking my baby up in. :) And I. Am. Excited! Woo hoo!! Well ladies and gents I will be signing off for the night and talking to my baby. Here's a pic of my blendercake to give you a laugh.

 

85 Days--The Vow

  So Steph and I went to see the newest love story in theaters today "The Vow." For those of you who live under a rock (or are my mother and never turn on the t.v.) the movie is based on true events (the couple said it was loosely based but some scenes hit very close to home.). The woman in the movie (Rachel McAdams) suffers a severe head trauma after a car accident with her husband (Channing Tatum *swoon*) to the point where she completely forgets their life together. [Which in real life is 10 months in the movie it's five years.] So the movie is about their struggle to find who they are as a couple but also who she is individually. I'm not going to say anything else about the movie because I definitely do not want to spoil it for anyone.

  So much of this movie hit home for me. Not because I've been in a traumatic car accident but because what they movie really ends up being about is her finding herself and accepting this completely strange life. I cannot relate to her where amnesia is concerned (although Shawn would disagree and say I have amnesia about things all the time ;) but I can relate to finding things out about yourself that you had no idea existed to begin with.

  There were also a couple of scenes that we very "Shawn" or Shawn and I. And so. I cried. A lot. I don't know I have much several movies because I wanted to cry but for whatever reason this movie made me really miss Shawn. Maybe because the love between the two characters was so evident and their relationship was something I could so easily relate to.

  Nine and a half times out of ten I do not cry on the phone with Shawn. First of all, it makes everything harder on him because I don't want him to think I'm not doing okay. Secondly, I hate crying. But tonight I just couldn't help it, I just started bawling. And he's worrying about me asking if I'm ok and I'm like; *super crying/whiny voice* "Nooo, I miss you and I want you to come homeeee." And he goes into telling me how much I mean to him and how I'm his angel...which makes me cry even harder. After a couple minutes I calm down and tell him that I just really miss him and am tired of coming home to any empty house and I'm tired of cooking for one and walking (although he thought I said talking, lol) the dogs by myself, and just stuff that we would normally do together. *sigh*

  So anyway after THAT we laughed about things and talked about things we wanted to do when he got home and overall just continued to share our life together in the only way available to us. Connecting through phone lines despite being half a world away from one another. He truly is the only man that completes me and makes me feel the way I do. He was given me so much these last couple years and I am so lucky and blessed to call him mine. And I am so glad I get to spend the rest of  my life with the man who has done so many things right.

  Sleep well or have a good day my friends. And I will talk to you in the morning baby, hope your day goes well and I cannot wait to have you home and in my arms once more.

The puppies saying good-night;

Silly stuff I do as an Army wife

 So I don't know about other military wives but I have these odd little things I do since Shawn's been gone. I normally clean out my fridge once a week in order to clear out all the leftovers or spoiled food. I have made a habit of checking all the "sell by" dates on everything when I do it. Now that's probably not so weird but what is is the fact that I get really excited when there is food in my fridge that isn't going to go bad before Shawn gets home. It seriously makes me so happy. And its because having that date reminds me that it is so very, very close. And I was telling Shawn about this tonight and he just laughed at me but there's other stuff too like;

*I got my car's oil changed the other day and its due again when Shawn should be home and I was ecstatic to see something that I can plan on including him in, even if its just an oil change.

*Every time I run out of shampoo or body wash or conditioner or whatever I get really sad when I buy their replacements because I would like to pick-up what Shawn would normally need. And I can't yet.

*When I moved I set up the bathroom to my liking, which basically means that Shawn's toiletries and such are under the sink. Well...I can't wait to plug his beard trimmer back in and put his brush on the counter and keep baby wipes in the bathroom again.

*I miss having to wash his clothes and pick up his boots.

*I love being the wife that knows where, basically, everything is. I miss being able to tell him where I put his undershirts, his sunglasses, his books, whatever.

*I also really want to cook for the two of us again. I actually enjoy cooking but I have learned that I loathe cooking for one person. It. Is. Not. Fun.

  The other thing I really miss about having him home is the intimacy we share. And I'm not talking about sex, but just being with one another. Sharing my life with him (good and bad) is so extremely important to me. I don't want to be one of the couples that get so wrapped up in what's going on personally that they no longer know the person they are married to and vice versa. I miss holding his hand while we're walking or driving. I miss being able to turn to him and get his opinion on this, that, or the other. I just miss him being around and I'm just ready for him to be home.

  Anyway now I'm going to bed my friends. Hope you have a good Monday. :)

88 Days

  Well it's been a couple days and nothing hugely interesting has happened. I worked, I'm down 5, got 79 to go of my "makeover," I start classes tomorrow, and I took the dogs for a walk at Creamer's Field. That pretty much wraps up the last two days. :)

  On a completely different note I'm missing Shawn like crazy. The last couple of days we haven't been able to have any real conversations except about taxes and work, so I'm really hoping that tonight we'll be able to actually have a nice conversation about him coming home and things we want to do, etc.

  Anyway short and sweet tonight I'm afraid. I still need a shower and to go to bed early so I have enough energy for operation:makeover, work, and the first day of school. Woo hoo! Not. Have a nice day/night everyone. But here's a picture of the walk that me and the puppies took today.  :)

91 Days--Military Wife Model

  It has been a very long day and it's only 9:00 PM. But despite my night owl habits, my early bird alter-ego is wanting sleep so tonight I think I am tucking it in early.
 
  But not!! before I update this wonderful blog. Today officially marked Day 1 of "Completing Jenn Makeover." Or whatever I end up calling it. I feel good about it, and I hope I stay pumped about it because the reward will be so, so worth it. I just hope I keep that in mind at 6:15 in the morning tomorrow. Lol.

  Ok, well I've sat here for like 7 minutes looking at the computer screen trying to think of something interesting to talk about and the fact is. I got nothing. So here's a little something Steph posted a few months ago. It made me cry then, and made me cry tonight.

Military Wife Model

The good Lord was creating a model for Military Wives and was into his

sixth day of overtime when an Angel appeared.

She said, "Lord, you seem to be having a lot of trouble with this one.

What's wrong with the standard model?"

The Lord replied, "Have you seen the specs on this order? She has to be

completely independent, possess the qualities of both Mother and Father,

be a perfect hostess for four or forty with an hours notice, run on black

coffee, handle every emergency imaginable without a manual, be able

to carry on cheerfully, even if she is pregnant or has the flu, and she

has to have six pair of hands."

The Angel shook her head. "Six pair of hands? No way!"

The Lord continued, "Don't worry, we will make other Military

Wives to help her. And we will give her an unusually strong heart

so it can swell with pride in her Husband's achievements, sustain

the pain of separation, beat soundly when it is overworked and tired,

and be large enough to say "I understand" when she doesn't and

"I love you" regardless."

"Lord", said the Angel, touching his arm gently. "Go to bed and

get some rest. You can finish this tomorrow."

"I can't stop now", said the Lord. "I am so close to creating something

so unique. Already this model heals herself when she is sick,

can put up six unexpected guests for the weekend, wave goodbye

to her Husband from a pier, a runway or a depot, and understand

why it is important that he leave."

The Angel circled the model of the Military Wife, looked at it

closely and sighed. "It looks fine, but it's too soft."

"She may look soft," replied the Lord, "but she has the strength

of a lion. You would not believe what she can endure."

Finally, the Angel bent over and ran her finger across

the cheek of the Lord's creation. "There's a leak," she announced.

"Something is wrong with the construction. I'm not surprised that

it has cracked. You are trying to put too much into this model."

The Lord appeared offended at the Angel's lack of confidence.

"What you see is not a leak. It's a tear."

"A tear? What is it there for?", asked the Angel.

The Lord replied, "It's for joy, sadness, pain, disappointment,

loneliness, pride and dedication to all the values that she

and her Husband hold dear."

"You are a genius!" exclaimed the Angel.

The Lord looked puzzled and replied,

"I didn't put it there."

-Anonymous

92 Days--itsa long one.

  Well its that time in Army wife life where I am waiting for the phone call from my husband telling me he's safe and we're one more day closer to having him on my front porch. It's something that you get used to as you get through the deployment further and further, but it still doesn't make the time between phone calls any easier.

  Today was not necessarily bad it was just...odd really. I don't know what really triggered it but I've been on an emotional roller coaster. I watched two of my favorite shows tonight and several parts in both made me bawl like a baby for completely different reasons. I cried because a couple had their first baby, I cried because (on the show) someone received "the knock," I cried because someone was proposed to and declared their love for their one and only, it was just ridiculous. Lol.

  However between the shows I accomplished a lot. I got all my paperwork finalized for school and 100% officially start again on Monday and my classes are "Nutrition" and "Principles of Economics." I think I'll find the Nutrition class interesting and I'll probably hate my Economics class. Lol. But I'm looking forward to getting one more semester finished for my degree. In fact around the time I finish this semester is around the time Shawn could be coming home so it'll be awesome to be even further distracted from how slow these days can sometimes go by. Anyway I also cleaned the house and did laundry, and let the puppies play outside (its been a beautiful 20ish degrees the last couple days), and I washed the bedding and have the whole house smelling like cheesecake because of my scentsy and candles. So with all that stuff its been a good day.

  So..I've accomplished just about everything on my "while he's gone" mental checklist except for one thing and I had a conversation with a girlfriend today about making sure that I check that off as well. So starting tomorrow night I will hopefully begin the journey to accomplishing everything I set out to do this year. Now I'm not going to let many people know about it because I don't need to be asked about it every five minutes by everyone but I'm hoping that it will really complete my "makeover" that has inadvertently taken place this year. :)

  It's crazy to think that we are (officially in 2 days) 75% through this deployment and your homecoming is so incredibly close that I can almost feel it. And two things happen when I think about it. One. I get completely giddy and overjoyed that you'll be home in just three months. Two. I find myself holding my breath. Afraid to get too excited because I need you to keep your head over there and to not let yourself get wrapped up in coming home because that's when people start getting hurt. So its kinda funny because one minute I want to do my happy dance that you'll be home so soon and the next I'm biting my nails because I'm so nervous. So I try to allow myself to do both so that I'm not overly anxious that if you were extended or something crazy like that that I'm not completely beside myself; but that I'm also not rocking myself out of a panic attack every ten minutes either.

  So anyway (<--I feel like I write that a lot.) I read this article today about how to "rock your marriage" or something to that affect, and I loved it. I also went through and counted the things that Shawn and I do or have done and we have (out of 100) consistently done 34 of them. Now some of the things include kids, which we obviously can't do yet, and a couple were like "do right now" kind of things that I couldn't do either. And I'd say that with only being physically with one another for 6 months in the last 2 years that ain't bad. Before I even read the article we were on the phone this afternoon and he's like "You know I really just want to get back to us when I get home. I want to set-up water guns and leave you a note saying to meet me in the backyard for a water war. I want to have you come home to rose petals leading to a bubble bath."

  One of the things that Shawn mentioned while we were on vacation was that he thinks we got complacent before the deployment, basically that we got boring. Lol. Now here is why I'm not as worried about it.

1) We were newlyweds. We. Were. Broke. So it's hard to find something to do in town that doesn't require at least some money.

2) Leading up to a deployment in any household is stressful. Add a new marriage, a new dog that was kind of destructive, a cooped up wife, and being thousands of miles from any friends and family and there were days where we had our blow-ups.

  I do not think we are a complacent couple, do I think we could be more spontaneous? Sure...actually let me scratch that. I need to be more spontaneous. I like everything to have an order (I freak out when the volume control is on a prime number ok?!). So I could probably use some loosening up at times. So here is what our plan is to keep our marriage awesome:

 1) Take a dancing class together. We have always wanted to learn how to dance but never made the time for it so now we are.

  2) Set goals that we can achieve in varying time periods. i.e. in the next year take a vacation to Australia. in the first two months he's home start living a healthier, more active lifestyle. in five months have my car paid off. in five months have his new truck. in a year and a half move to a new post.

  3) Plan to eat at home. At the table. No technology. At least 3 times a week.

  4) Have "love coupons."

  5) Have a weekend getaway every month..even if that means building a fort in the living room with blankets, pillows, and sheets and "camping out."

  Basically just do things that allow us to come closer as a couple and as friends. So..yea. Anyway (<--see there I go again! I need to clap every time I start to write it. You know, cause in speech class if you said "umm" the audience would clap to break you...never mind.) I know this blog was a little long winded and kinda all over the place but that's been my day today so there ya have it.

  But honestly. Do things that make your marriage awesome. I've included the link at the bottom of the page because every marriage should do at least five things off the list to keep the intimacy alive. And I'm not talking about sex here, I'm talking about the part about marriage where you share everything together and you're one another's best friends.

  I love you baby, can't wait to hear your voice and have you home. Sleep sweet my friends.

Making your marriage rock

The wife's battle buddy

  Being an Army Wife is harder than any trial I've ever had to face. Not because I'm on the front lines but because I'm the one at home fighting an emotional and psychological war. One in which I have to not allow myself to worry myself sick or think about the worse all the time.

  It's been said that a soldier is a person who writes a blank check made payable to the United States of America for an amount up to and including his life. It is probably one of the best ways to describe a soldier's commitment to his country. But, as a spouse, we co-sign that same check. Saying that we understand the sacrifice that our husband is willing to make on our behalf and on the behalf of the entire country.

  But just because we understand and accept that does not make each day he is at war any easier. It does not give anyone the right to tell me that "You knew what you were getting into." And it certainly does not make fearing the worse any less of a terrifying reality than it is.

  I have never been more proud of anything in my life as I am with the fact that my husband is a soldier for the United States. I do not even think I can put into words the emotion that I felt when I saw him graduate from Infantry Training or when I saw him come home from Afghanistan, there are no accurate words to explain the pride, joy, and relief you feel.

  I hate for any person to go through what deployed military spouses go through, but what I would not trade for anything would be the bonds you make with the wives who help you through the battles at home. Unless you have lived this life and had the experiences and conversations that we have had to have, with our husbands and ourselves, no one can relate to how we feel except for one another. We come together in times where we feel so completely alone. We celebrate with one another when one of the husbands come home. We cry together when we learn of someone's husband or father or son who has a very different kind of homecoming. And we share this blanket of fear, sadness, and loneliness and we get through those times together.

  Stephanie and I have shared many of our fears with one another but even as we talk about what scares us the most we realize that no matter what comes we have one another to lean on and trust and get support from. We understand our role in our husband's life. We support him. Period. And if being a soldier makes him happy then we will follow him to the ends of the Earth, and we don't make that commitment begrudgingly. We make it happily because he's doing what he loves. Many of these type of conversations will involve tears but that's what our "battle buddy" does, we support one another in one of the hardest things a wife can be asked to do; and that's to wake-up each morning knowing you might receive a knock on your door but to love him like that is never a possibility.

 

93.5 Days--The difference between man-brain and woman-brain

  I got to talk to Shawn last night for like 3 hours and although that meant I only got to sleep for 5 I was happy to talk to him for that long of a period. Although there was one hiccup that I find quite amusing.

  As we all know men and women think on two completely different levels. Not that this is a bad thing, it just is. So last night I was feeling a bit insecure, as we all tend to feel at times, and really needed to hear from Shawn that I was just as attractive to him as I was four years ago. So I ask him "Sweetheart, do you think I'm as pretty as I was when we first met?" And he pauses, granted I'm laying in bed, no make-up, hair looking like bird's live in it, and exhausted, and he's probably thinking "Well sweetheart right now you're looking pretty rough but I still love you!!." But he comes up with what he thinks will be a better response. "Well babe, we've both put on a little weight but I still love you and think you're beautiful." I'm pretty sure there are no crickets in Alaska or Afghanistan but I think I heard some after that comment. And I just know that Shawn's on the other side of the computer screen thinking "That was awesome, I was honest, but still connected with her as a beautiful woman and someone I'm in love with." Except here's the problem and this is what I find fascinating in the difference between men...and women.

  When he said that I knew what he meant by it. He meant: "Babe you are a beautiful woman who means the world to me, but we both have a weight issue that I think we should work on." But being the woman that I am I hear: "You're. Fat." Now after he said that I got very quiet and didn't say anything and now Shawn's wheels are aspinnin' and he thinking, "I said everything right, right? I told her she's beautiful and that I love her." So after a moment of trying not to cry I look at the laptop and he asks me what's wrong. So I explain to him his sentence and how it translates from man-brain to woman-brain. And then he starts back tracking and he's like "Nooo I didn't mean it like that." And I already knew this but even though I know what he meant to say I still am feeling very insecure. And he goes into this talk about how he wants us to be healthy and not let ourselves get out of hand, etc. So basically the conversation ended with me understanding what he meant and him apologizing for how he made me feel. And although there are things I'm insecure of I just had to share that story because it offers an amusing, classic example of the differences between men and women.


  So anyway sorry I missed a blog yesterday it was my day off and I lounged around the house, took a nap, took a shower, went to Steph's watched "The Bachelor", came home and talked to Shawn til 3 AM. There was really nothing to talk about. The awesome thing though is that it was an absolutely beautiful day here, it was 12 above zero and the sun was shining all day. I love gaining so much sunlight each day it really feels like its getting just an itsy bitsy bit closer to spring which should be around the time Shawn gets home.

  As wonderful as this last year has been in finding myself and such, I am beyond ready for my husband to be home. I'm really just ready to be able to come home to him and vent after a bad day or have someone share in my excitement after good news. Life is meant to be shared with those you love and whom love you in return and I'm just ready to share every day with Shawn again, the good, the bad, the ugly. *sigh* Soon, I suppose.

  Well I'm going to sign-off for the day. I hope this finds you and yours well. And baby, I love you so much and you mean so much to me. I am so ready for you to come home and help me fix dinners and walk the dogs and go for drives and just share our lives with one another. Hopefully I'll hear your voice soon. I love you baby.

95 Days :)

  Well folks its a warm 20 degrees here in Alaska and the sun is beginning to stay a little longer each day. About two and a half more months and we should be celebrating spring/summer. But let's not jump ahead of ourselves just yet. First order of business...getting my baby home.

  We were able to talk for about an hour total today during which he informed me that he might be coming home even earlier than originally slated for. However I'm not holding my breath, its like I told him, I would rather have it in my mindset that he won't be home until 366 days after he deployed than any date earlier because there's no need for that kind of disappointment. BUT it would make him coming home early that much sweeter because it wouldn't be completely expected...so either way..I win. :)

  The warmer weather is here to stay for a few days although I'm praying it doesn't get above freezing because that means most the snow will melt and then once it drops below freezing again the roads will be like ice and that is the scariest condition to drive on.

  Anyway, nothing super new or exciting going on here in Alaska so I think tonight is going to be short and sweet but I hope you all are doing well. And baby, I hope you know how much you mean to me and how excited I am to get you home for good from this deployment. You are the light of my life.

  PS: Here's a cute picture I took of the dogs tonight as we were getting in bed. :)

96 Days--I said yes!

 
I imagine that I will write on the topic of Valentine's again before the day has come and gone but tonight the day reminds me of Shawn and I. (I know. Duh.) But, more specifically, the day he proposed to me.

  Shawn and I dated for a year before he ever even considered the Army. We broke up because we were at two very different paths in our life. It was after I found out he joined the Army, and the fact that I couldn't stop thinking about him, that I knew I had to contact him again. We ended up meeting for breakfast and it was quite ridiculous because he was forty-five minutes late. But I never left the parking lot, I had to see him. He called me apologizing and told me he'd be right there. I went inside and got a table. The first time seeing him again was like a rush of memories and feelings and emotions, and not all of them very good. But all I kept thinking was "Damn he looks good." Lol. We caught up, very casual small talk, although I imagine anyone who watched us could tell how nervous we were. We left the diner and went to a bookstore where we stood outside (sweating no less) and talked about what went wrong. I confronted him about things that I was told after we broke up. After the conversation winded down we left. And I was so torn. I was so happy to just be near him but was really afraid of being hurt. We talked off and on for a few days until he told me to meet him at Denny's. I knew before he even got to the restaurant that he was going to tell me that he didn't want to be with me.

  So here I am, sitting in Denny's Diner at like 9:00 at night having to ask for extra napkins because I'm already blubbering. He texts me and tells me he's almost there and I'm really trying to clean it up and pull myself together. He walked in and the conversation didn't last very long, he didn't want me. We left and he walked me to my car and as I turned to give him a hug and a moment passes and he tells me to get in my car. And I told him "No, I'm not going to be the one to walk away this time."So he pulled me to him and kissed me. At this point I'm in complete shock, in fact I can't even tell you if I kissed him back. He lets me go and walks away. My knees are cracking beneath me and I somehow end up in the car sobbing. I don't think I left the parking lot for ten or fifteen minutes. I texted him that night and asked why he kissed me and his text said verbatim (I still have it.): "Because I love you, because I wanted the last thing between us to be something good, because I don't want it to be the last thing between us." I am completely confused, I just had the man blitz from Hades. We didn't talk for a few days but I did end up convincing him to go on a couple dates with me, nothing crazy, just enjoy one another's company before he left for basic training.

  Well my plan worked. He fell in love with me again. :) Mwhahahaha! Love you baby.

  Fast forward a couple weeks and he tells me that he doesn't want me to wait for him through basic, that it wasn't fair to ask that of me. After I received that text I went to his place, walked into his room and told him, I was like "Look I love you and I'm willing to wait for you if you want me to because I can't imagine being without you. Either you can take that and run with it or you can choose to not accept it. But if you choose to not accept it then you will not hear from me again. I don't need an answer tonight, take your time, but don't string me along." And I left. The next day he sent me the lyrics to Weezer's "I Want You To."

  Fast forward four and a half months. April 3rd and 4th of 2010. At this point we haven't seen one another in four months but I've sent him daily letters. To the point where I was known as the girl around town who "kissed the envelope" because I would kiss every letter before I sent it to Shawn. We had two awesome days together where we talked about marriage and life and the future and everything. It is probably one of my favorite times with Shawn, that weekend was truly perfect. A month later May 5th I made a 36 hour trip to see him graduate from Infantry Basic Training, truly one of the proudest days of my life. A couple weeks later I made the trip again to see him on a long weekend. After Basic everything was in limbo, we didn't know where he was going or even when.

  A few weeks later goes by and my mom is taking me to work since my truck broke down and I am having a pretty awful day. Shawn calls me out of the blue which always helped lift my spirits and tells me he has a surprise being mailed to me and that it should arrive today. So with that I go to work and my mom ends up calling me and telling me that my surprise was here. I was crazy busy and asked her to bring it inside, well my friend Sean and I were just finishing up a party and clearing plates when I came out of the kitchen and there was this soldier in the lobby and for a second I didn't even recognize him and then....I did. I came running out of the bar and into his arms and just started crying, it was quite ridiculous. But one of the best 40 seconds I've ever experienced.

  I found out that he had two weeks home before he moved to Alaska. And during this time I told him that I wanted to be where ever he was, no matter where that was. And I don't remember where we were driving to but he turned and looked at me and was like "Really?!" And I told him yea, that I didn't want to be away from him for any longer than I had to. On the last day he's in Florida I'm actually quite upset because he hasn't proposed yet and I'm already picking out colors and dresses. Lol. And we're getting ready for his flight to board and he's sitting next to me and I can tell he's getting nervous. And finally he ends up on one knee and looks at me and tells me how much he loves me and if "Would you like to get married?" My response? "To you?" And he pulled me off the chair and I said yes and we kissed.

  A couple months later I went to Alaska to visit him and we went out to a nice restaurant where he ordered champagne and had my real engagement ring put in the glass. We received rounds of applause and congratulations throughout the restaurant and it, too, was a beautiful moment. On October 20th he was approved for leave to get married. And I had a wedding to plan and prepare is 30 days. The wedding was beautiful and my husband looked handsome as ever.

  Shawn really is my Prince Charming and I am beyond thankful that I have such a wonderful man to spend my life with. Now I am just looking forward to getting him home and continuing to write our love story.

  Hope you enjoyed the super long winded story of how Shawn and I ended up getting married. :) Hope you liked reminiscing with me baby. Can't wait to hear your voice. <3

97 Days

  What an awesome day! Any day where I get to sleep in until 10:00 and don't even wake-up to my alarm is a good day. But also spending it with a good friend helps. Steph and I went and saw "Woman in Black," highly recommend it for a good scare. Then went and got out nails done (love mine!) and we hung out in between. It was a good day.

  And on top of it I got to hear from my baby, twice today. Yay! But I must admit I am very ready for him to come home to me. I miss falling asleep next to him and cuddling with him and everything. But the best thing about being separated from someone for long periods of time is it makes you slow down and enjoy one another when you are together. And it also makes the first time seeing one another after months that much sweeter. So with that thought in mind I am headed to dream about my baby. Sleep well friends. And baby, I love you bunches and bunches and hope I get to wake-up to your voice in the morning.

98 Days

   Today has actually been a long day. I am tired and not feeling well and didn't sleep well but now that I'm finally home I am feeling a little bit better. I've got my heating pad on and I've taken some ibuprofen (no Shawn, not enough to make my stomach bleed ;) and I am going to watch "The Big Bang Theory" and go to bed. However! I am looking forward to going and seeing "The Woman in Black" tomorrow with Steph and finally getting our nails done.

   It's odd thinking that in just three months that Shawn will be home. It seems so close that I can almost feel it. And what's so interesting is that there are moments where it feels like he'll be home in no time and there are, of course, other times where it feels like forever. But tonight it feels really, really close and I think it has a lot to do with the fact that he and I are really enjoying one another's conversations and time together on the phone. I think the anticipation of him coming home is really beginning to bubble under the surface of everything we do. So outside of my long day, that part of my day was awesome.

  I'm going to go sleepy, sleepy, nap, nap time now but ya'll be sweet and I'll see you tomorrow. Love and miss you baby.

99 Days!! Double Digits!!!

  Ye know, some friendships are just good for the soul and my friend Steph is one of those people. You see, deployment is one of the hardest things anyone can go through whether you are the one on the front lines or the one left behind. However, deployments can also bring the ones left behind closer than they ever thought imaginable. I think it brings us closer because no one who has not been in our shoes can even begin to comprehend our lifestyle, and having someone to share that burden with and all the stresses and emotions and ups and downs and challenges and victories that we face just bonds you together stronger than most friendships. But besides from that her and I just "click." And we. have. a. blast. We will be laughing so hard at something that my stomach will be cramping, there are tears streaming down my face, and I am pretty much on the floor. But we've also seen one another cry and she has been there for me through one of the toughest periods of my adult life. My Dad has always said that I should be lucky if I can say that I have 5 true, true friends during any period of my life, and as true as that is, I also know that Steph is one of those five.


  On another note, I was able to have a skype date with Shawn this evening, I even did my make-up!! (<--insert gasp here.) And he looked so handsome and made me laugh and smile. It was just a really good conversation, probably in the top best 5 we have had all deployment. Lol. He really is my knight in shining armor.

  I enjoyed my day off today and (!!) it has warmed up to -14 so far!! YAY! So Steph and I ran all over the place getting some errands accomplished and then we had our weekly "Bachelor" fix. And OMG are these girls just a little more whiny/crazy this season or is it just me? And I'm sorry but Ben is NOT on my nice list right now. Looking forward to Steph's and my's movie and nail date later this week too. So anyway, it has been an awesome day and I didn't stress about work but like once today so, GO ME! Sleep sweet everyone.

And baby? Please be safe today and stay smart and know that you have a wife that loves you so very much and is anxiously awaiting your return home. I love you.

100 Days!! And its about Gibbers today

Gibbers:

  I'm a couple weeks early but on February 15, 2011 Shawn and I adopted Gibson our 4 yr-old German Shepard mix. When I moved up here I told Shawn, and myself, that I would give the whole one dog thing a chance. And don't get me wrong I love my Molly to death and there's nothing that could come between the two of us but I just like having at least two dogs. So a month to the day I get there we're bringing Gibbers home. Now Shawn did not want a dog, at all. But he loves me and was willing to appease me and go to the pound.  :)

  I actually ended up falling in love with this big, ugly, stinky, adoringly sweet, black Mastiff mix. Unfortunately though he had a lot of health problems and it was going to be a healthy $600-$700 commitment in just getting him to 100% and he was huge. Like 140 pounds of muscle and he was considered underweight. Long story short he didn't work out and I was pretty upset over it. But Shawn and I went back a couple days later and Shawn's going around howling at the dogs (I know my husband is soo mature. Ha.) But funny thing was is that there was this big, furry mutt laying in the kennel and he started howling back at Shawn and I knew at that moment that I could stop looking we had found our dog. After a meeting with Molly, the puppy tests, vaccines, a neuter, and some pain medication he was all ours. And that's when the fun began.

  Gibson was house trained and he even knew "sit," "out," "stay," and "come." However he loved getting into things when Shawn and I weren't home. One of the things he did that drove us nuts is he would pull dishes out of the sink! So Shawn lined the counters with taped down tacks so he would prick his paws enough to take the hint. The dog would put the very tippy top of his nails on the counter, roll the tape out of his way, grab what he wanted, and then get back down. Blew my mind!! Finally we got smart and loaded the dishwasher instead of the sink. Gibson was attached to Shawn's hip when we got him too. Followed him around like nobody's business and, even though Shawn won't admit it, he loves it. It didn't matter what I had in my hand, if Dad was home Gibson could care less about me.

  However, ever since Shawn left Gibson is just as much of my shadow as Molly is, except a little different. Its like Gibson knows I need a little extra protection now. It doesn't matter who is at my house, if I'm sitting on the couch he is not 6 inches away from me and normally he always positions himself between me and my guests. He's always been super friendly with everyone but I know he wouldn't think twice about growling at someone if he thought they were going to hurt me. And he loves(!!!) car rides! The other night I was running my trash to the dump, and I almost always take the dogs, and I was loading Molly into the car and Gibson jumped the fence and hopped in the car, guess he thought I was gonna leave him.

  Anyway I decided to brag about my Gibbers tonight since his one-year anniversary with us is coming up and I didn't have anything super fun to talk about. OH! Except that I printed out the pictures from Shawn's leave and finally put up the wall decor set I bought myself for Christmas and I love the way it looks in the living room. Lol. Other than that all of us here in my town are looking forward to temps above -10 tomorrow hopefully. And also if anyone has any questions that you would like me to address in my blog please feel free to e-mail me at: makinhistory08@yahoo.com. Sleep sweet and everyone. And baby, I hope this brings a smile to your face today and I can't wait to hear from you in the morning. I love you. <3

101 Days/14 Weeks

  Shawn decided it would be better to count down the weeks until he's home instead of the days, but I prefer days so now I'm doing both. :) I think I prefer days because each day is one day less whereas I have to wait an entire seven days before knocking down the number. So anyway now we're doing both.

  Awesome News!!! Stella started this afternoon! It had warmed up to -27 today, about 25 degrees warmer than before, and she started. She didn't want to and she struggled the first time but she ran long enough to warm her engine up and get her into the cozy garage. I am a happy camper.

  More awesome news! I officially start school on Feb. 13th! I enjoyed my semester off and time with my husband and family but its time to get back into the full swing of things.

  And the second the best news today! My honey got promoted!! So yay!!! Super proud of what he's accomplished so far. :)

  And to put the icing on the cake I got to talk to my baby three times today. We've been super lucky this last half of deployment with communication and I must say that I love hearing his voice. Our last conversation he was being super sweet. Just reminiscing about when we very first began dating. And as in love with him as I was then I can easily tell you that I love him more now. We have been through a lot as a couple and as a team and it has brought us closer and closer each time.

  When I first met Shawn he was this tough, partying, rocker guy who made my heart race. I thought he was beyond good looking even if he wasn't "my type." When we first began dating I fell in love with this man who just swept me off my feet and made me feel like I was the most precious thing he had ever laid eyes on. And he'll tell you to this day that our first date was supposed to be a one and only thing. But he told me that it all changed when he kissed me. Rewind to about ten minutes before our first kiss and we had pulled up to the boat ramp on July 4th and there were easily 100 people there to see the fireworks. Well right when the show started we kissed for the first time and its like time stopped. I have never gotten so lost in a kiss before. When we finally pulled back and looked one another in the eyes we realized that the fireworks had stopped and everyone had left. I couldn't believe it. From that moment on I was hooked.

  I fell in love with Shawn so deeply that even time a part and indifference's didn't keep us a part. And neither has time or distance between us. I think we have the kind of love the people write realistic, but good, books about. Now I'm not saying we're perfect, we aren't. But we have been tested by trials time and time again and we have come out in the end better because of them. Shawn makes me the happiest woman in the world. He has given me so much joy and so much love and laughter in the three and a half years we've been together. He has been the person who held me together after my world crumbled a part, and he has always been there to hold me after a nightmare.

  He asked me tonight if I look at him today the same way I looked at him when we first began dating. And my initial answer is yes. But, honestly, no. I don't look at him the same way. I look at him with more love and pride and passion and joy than I ever have before. I have never been more proud of anyone than I am of him because of his service to our country. I have never seen someone after months and been so overwhelmed with emotion. Loving a soldier is not an easy task to ask of anyone, and there's days when being in this life is truly, truly the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. But, and I would bet you that every military spouse would say the same thing, I would not trade it for anything in the world. It's not easy and it's not a fairytale but it is the most rewarding things I have ever experienced in my life. And loving Shawn and him loving me as much as we do makes every heartache and every bad day worth it because seeing him home and safe is the most incredible and indescribable feelings in this world.

  Sleep sweet ya'll. Hope you liked the read baby, have a good day and I'll talk to you in the morning.

102 Days

  Oh. My. Goodness. Gracious. What a couple days it has been. So Saturday morning at like 8 AM I get my keys and go to auto-start my car. I do this from inside the house and always stand at the window to make sure Stella turns on, well after a couple minutes she didn't. So I went outside and tried to start her again and I get *chug, chug, chug, dead* So thinking that somehow the cord she's plugged into isn't working properly I get a new cord and leave her alone for four hours. I call off work and wait. Four hours are up and I try to start her again. Nothing. So I decide to give it another hour. Mean time I call my mom and tell her the situation, more venting about the frustration of it than anything. I also tell her not to say anything to my dad. Love him to death but I didn't want to worry him unnecessarily. So she meets him for their normal evening coffee and begins to explain a "hypothetical" scenario. I imagine that she did this while looking down at her hands tracing the coffee cup nervously, while trying to hold off a smirk. Well Daddy saw through that real quick, not ten minutes am I off the phone with Mom that I get a frantic call from my Dad asking me "What's wrong? What have you done to fix it? Why isn't it working?" Etc. So I explain to him the entire situation and then call my Mom back. Mom: *Shyly* "Hi JD." Me: "You. Are. Fired! So fired. Like torched and never telling you anything again fired." All the while she and I are laughing. Figures. So anyway tried the car once an hour, on the hour. Never started. So at like 6 pm I decided to let the car sit overnight and see if that helped the charge.

It didn't.

I went out this morning and it still tried to turn over but Stella still wouldn't start. So I called a friend and we tried to jump it. Think that worked?

Nope.

So now my poor Stella won't start. Oh I think I forgot to mention....its been -50 the past two days. And yes that does say negative fifty. So theory is is that the engine is too cold to start. So I am going to wait until it warms up some and its able to thaw and try her again.

Meanwhile though because I inadvertently had three days off I have been able to get the majority of my house in sorts after vacation. AND I cooked dinner and I'm getting used to a little less creamer in my coffee each day. Yay me!

So after being in the dumps about the car for two days I decided this afternoon I needed to get out of the house. So I did. I went to Wal-mart (yes we have one of those) printed out some of Shawn's and my leave pictures, picked up a pizza, and went to my best friend's Steph's house where we talked, watched Katt Williams, and had pizza and cheesecake. And to top off my wonderful evening I got to talk with my hubby. So yay for crappy days turning into good ones.

Tomorrow its work, finishing the laundry and dishes, and maybe the gym. I should also figure out what exactly is going on with classes. Anyway that's about all for now.

Night ya'll. Goodnight baby. <3

103 Daysish

When I first fell in love with Shawn I had no idea how drastically my life would change because of it. I did know that I would follow that man to the ends of the Earth and back if I needed to and, in a way, I feel like I have.
I can't even begin to explain to anyone how deeply in love with him that I am and how much he completes me in every facet of my life. I came into this marriage with a pretty realistic view of it. I knew that the "honeymoon" stage would wain and we would fall into a routine. I knew that there were going to be days that I didn't like him very much and there would be days that he would annoy the crap out of me. But I also knew that there would be these wonderfully glorious days where all I would want is to be next to him, to spend the day laying in bed and watching movies, or taking the dogs out for a walk. And its those days I reminded myself of whenever the other days seemed to be creeping up on us.

The benefit of deployment though is that you rarely have the days where you dislike him. Because of the time a part, the emotions of where he is, and the rarity that it can be to talk to one another I think you end up cherishing one another even more than before. Although I would not wish this situation on my worse enemy, I do wish everyone could experience the feeling of receiving a phone call after not hearing from them for two weeks (or months.) I wish they could experience that moment in an airport where you spot one another after months of being a part. I have never experienced such joy in my life.

Shawn's and my's marriage is not perfect, no one's is, but we make an awesome team and we love one another through thick and thin. Life without Shawn would be incomplete, black and white as my mom would say. Life is meant to be shared with the people you love the most. And I love sharing my life with Shawn. I love knowing that he will be the one to hold me when I cry, that he will be the one who makes me laugh, that he will be the one who will experience victory and defeat with me. I normally refer to life as a book, myself being the author. But I also find great comfort and satisfaction that Shawn is penning my story with me.

I could not ask for a better man to love and who loves me in return. He is truly one of a kind and has made me exceedingly happy since we've been together. We have been through a lot more than your average "newlyweds." But even so I think everything we have gone through has only made us stronger, and that's the most you can ask for.

Anyway sleep well dear friends.

Lessons about Alaska and Military

When Shawn and I went back home we were trying to explain what life is like here and some of the things we described were outrageous to people. For example;

*You must plug in your vehicle at 0 degrees or below..if you don't and you try to start it the next morning you may end up cracking your engine block.

*It gets below -40 here. The lowest I have seen is today at -47 however this winter is worse than last and I imagine I might see even further below temperatures. My tattoo artist has seen -65.

* If you are not careful you can get frostbite in seconds in the right conditions.

* Getting into a car wreck on I-4 is terrifying. Getting into a car wreck with a moose and you have a 95% fatality rate. Because moose are so tall you normally hit them in the knees causing them to fall into, literally into, your car. It's a 2500 pound animal, as my mom would say..."big wins."

*When I was driving Shawn's truck to and from work fishtailing and sliding were everyday life. In fact when my best fried Lacy visited I told her while we were driving to Wal-mart that; If we start sliding 1) You cannot scream. 2) You cannot grab me. 3) Grab on to the handle and ride it out. Now I have my little AWD Element EX and I no longer have that problem.  :D

Something else that I learned on our trip is something that even I didn't know until I was in that situation.

Everyone asks you how long you're there for and when you go back to Alaska/Afghanistan. Now I realize that the people asking are only curious but please the next time you have military personnel and/or their family visiting please don't ask how long it is until we're separated again. I know that's not how you meant it but there is always a mental countdown as the sun sets on another day but being asked about it 3-5 times a day was like a constant reminder and every person who goes on leave will tell you that its a time to receive a temporary release from thinking about being a part from their loved ones and/or going back to a war zone. If you would like to know when we go back ask our parents.

Anyway life in Alaska today is very, very cold. It's actually the first day I've put on my heat. (The downstairs tenants have their heat on and heat rises. :) And there is frost/ice on the inside of my windows. When its this cold you shouldn't wear cotton as an underlayer because if you sweat and then go outside it can freeze to you and cause frostbite. You should also have everything covered...including the majority of your face.These temperatures, along with clear skies, are great for seeing the aurora. Apparently, and I could be wrong on the reason, but with the lower temperatures of late there has also been quite the increase in moose vs. car/train accidents. When it goes below -45 the schools close. It's -50 at Denali National Park today and the visiting center has been closed.

I guess that's all the fun facts I have for today. Now its time to turn up the music and start cleaning my house.

104 Days..roughly

So much has happened since I last wrote but there really isn't much important news to touch on so...here are the highlights.
1) I am Acting Store Manager of the Pac Sun up here.
2) I have officially lived here for one year.
3) Shawn and I truly enjoyed our leave time in Florida two weeks ago.
4) I took a leave of absence from school because of work.
5) I start again on the 13th of February.
6) 104 days about until the day Shawn should be home from this deployment for good.

Well I hope this blog finds you and yours well and that you enjoyed all of the wonderful holidays that commenced after my last blog and that you are already getting ready for Valentine's Day!! *sarcastic* Woo Hoo! I'm not even going to begin to express how disappointed I will be this V-Day so I am choosing to ignore it and buy myself chocolates instead. OH!!

I just remembered two VERY important events that took place.
1) Shawn and I celebrated our first year of marriage on November 23, 2011
2) I got a car for Christmas! WOOHOO!

Ok..anyway..

I'm missing Shawn a lot tonight..don't get me wrong I miss him every night but day is the first day that I've been truly alone since I left Florida on Sunday. And it sucks. Saying good-bye a second time was much harder than the first. And it was even harder to say good-bye to my family too. I have always been very close to them and living 5000 miles away just seems astronomical sometimes.

On the bright side though we did have an amazing time on leave. We stayed at a little beach house the first week and went out and about on the town, did some shopping, and laid around a lot. Second week my parents put together a little shin-dig for us at their ranch which was a lot of fun, about 50 people total ended up coming out and seeing us. The second week we spent a lot of time with family and we went to Texas De Brazil..an awesome restaurant, I highly recommend it.

I've been very lucky since he left for Afghanistan that he's been able to contact me at each landing point. I wasn't expecting to hear from him for three or four days but so far the longest I've gone without hearing from him has been roughly 12 hours. For which I am truly and thoroughly thankful for.

Over the last few months I have realized just how much of a toll deployment can take on an individual and on a marriage. Although this deployment has not been as hard as I thought it would be there was a point a couple months ago where I was really concerned about the strength of our marriage. I knew that I loved Shawn more than anything, that he completed me in a way that I had never felt before...but he did something that really hurt me and when he did I began to slowly shut him out. It got pretty bad between us and I went out with one of my girl friends, just completely at my wit's end and was talking to her about it and she asked me if I still loved him. And I told her yes, I always had. And she told me that if I could give him one more chance and it worked out I would be grateful forever. But if I walked away and never gave him a second chance that I would question myself every day. And I realized she was right. Long story short Shawn and I did a lot of talking and discussing. We went and got some one on one time with my parents' pastor and we did some praying too, and let me tell you something. It was like the last eight months and pain and hurt had never even happened. I can tell you today with full certainty that I am more in love with him right now than I ever was before. And that I trust him and have completely let my guard down.

Life with Shawn is amazing. We are constantly holding hands, or touching in someway, or we'll look at one another and realize what the other is thinking. Even though we bicker and banter back and forth we know that without a doubt we will always be there for one another. Tonight has been a rough one, but hearing his voice for just ten minutes turned my entire world right side up. I almost can't believe we have been through 9 months of deployment and at most have 3 months left...or roughly 104 days.

Anyway that's all there is for me. I'm going to try and write more...I actually really enjoy it.  :) Night ya'll.