Not Knowing

The hardest thing about being an Army Wife is just the not knowing. A friend of mine keeps her own Army Wife blog and in one of her installments she was talking about the "rumor mill" and how nasty it is. Each time she heard something she would approach her husband asking if it was true or not and the answer was always the same, "No, not true." And so finally she just stopped asking. I have since tried to keep that in mind as I hear various things about our Company. A couple weeks before I headed up here I was told that the men were supposed to come home in January and that is why they were moving everyone's R & R dates up. But I spoke with my FRG leader and I found that it wasn't the case, that they were not planning on coming any earlier than next spring. And I hadn't held my breath on the rumor because I learned pretty quickly to ignore them.

One the same note, I had a very scary moment about a week before I got in Florida. I was driving home from work and as I pulled up to my house there was a strange car parked there and my heart leaped into my throat and my stomach dropped to the floor. I immediately began looking for two men in Class A's terrified that my eyes would find them. And finally I realized that it was just my inconsiderate neighbors who parked in front of my house. But I cannot even begin to explain to you the feelings that I was experiencing in that moment. As a military wife the not knowing is the hardest in my opinion. I can handle long nights on my own, I can "keep the home fires burning," I am actually finding that I'm pretty independent and happy with the life I'm establishing for myself. However knowing my husband is in danger and not hearing from him in over a week is the hardest. And you try not to think about it but its always there. There's no going around it. And what's so hard right now is my Dad is an avid News watcher. And he insists that I need to watch it in order to understand what is going on. And there are moments where I want to grab him by the shoulders and scream at him; "I KNOW what is going on, we are at WAR, my husband is THERE, and he may NOT come back." THE END. But I refrain and instead resort to walking out of the room or ignoring him altogether. Lol. Not that I don't respect my Dad, I do, and if I do want more information than what I've been given then its him I call to get it. But I worry enough on my own that I don't need the news to tell me how dangerous my husband's job is.

My Mom and I were talking one evening and I found myself struggling the first couple months in Alaska trying to decide if I was "worthy" of being considered an "Army Wife," because I hadn't been one for long. I wasn't sure if I had "earned my rank" so to speak. And as I tried to explain this to my mom she was shaking her head and I asked her what she was thinking and she said; "It's not necessarily what you have gone through that 'earns' that status, but what you signed up for, and what you prepared for." And I thought about it for a moment and she's right. Whether you have been a military wife for two months or twenty years you are still entitled to the same fear, anxiety, sadness, and difficulty the other wives are. Now, I'm not giving anyone permission to dwell on it, but I certainly can't think that I am the only one who has ever felt this way, and I just want to state that time doesn't matter, its what we have come to accept about the realities of our husbands' jobs that makes us the military spouses that we are. It's knowing that he may not come home, and praying with everything you have that he will. It's falling asleep in his t-shirt and spooning his pillow. It's that feeling you get when you see the FRG leader calling your phone or you hear that one of our soldiers has been killed. It's the emotional war that we fight day in and day out that gives us the right to say we are a military spouse.

I want so desperately to hear his voice...its been almost a week...

On a different note I had a great dinner with my girlfriend Kat this evening. We went to this awesome soup and salad buffet and it was so delicious. And then I came home and my mom and I watched "No Strings Attached" which was super cute. And then we played this new card game I'm addicted to called "Egyptian Rat Screw" and we had a great time with that. Tomorrow I'm going to the beach with my little sister, I'm hoping to TAN my front half because yesterday I fell asleep at the beach and ended up burning my back half. Sooo I'm hoping to smooth and tone it all out tomorrow. And then its off to appetizers with my guy friend, Dexter.

All in all the week will be busy but I'm looking forward to all of the time spent with friends and family, its something I've really needed and looked forward to. Anyway I'm going to jump off of here and head to sleep, it's 2 AM EST so it's off to dreamland for me. Sleep well my friends.

***Star gazing until I am with you again my love***

The Goose Egg and the Bald Spot

Let me just say that I am ecstatic to be here!! But, omg does that trip take so much out of you. The day I left I had a meeting at work, then worked for a few hours, went home cleaned the house, got everything set-up for the puppies, and grabbed all the last essentials for the trip. And then I headed over to a friend's place and they made me dinner and took me to the airport. Checked my bags, boarded and it was over a six hour flight to Minneapolis. During the flight I bought internet in case Shawn was able to get on and he was, EXCEPT! My internet didn't start working again until after he had signed off. Oh let me tell you how upset I was. I put my head against the window and just sobbed. I hadn't heard from him in nine days and missing that moment was just too much for me, I desperately wanted to communicate in some way with him. But low and behold I wasn't off the plane for 45 seconds before he called...and I cried again except this time with relief. It was so great to hear his voice even though I was too tired to make for a decent conversation. Gosh, he is so amazing. We talked for 6:42 and we were just able to tell one another how much we loved one another and how much we missed one another. Its been four days since I heard from him but we (the Army wives in my brigade) received an e-mail from their first sergeant stating that things have been relatively quiet and that reliable phone and internet should be available by the end of the month.

Since getting here it has been a whirlwind of events. When I finally arrived in Orlando I had not slept in over 26 hours and went home and passed out for three. Afterwards I went to the Diner with my mom and spent some time with her. Went to a local bar with a girlfriend and hung out for about an hour before I came back home. Mom was still up and we talked about things that needed to be discussed for a couple hours and I finally was able to get things off my chest, and I was able to learn some things about myself. Since then every day has been filled with something. The next day I took my little sister shopping, tried to find a dress to my best friend's wedding with no avail, spent the next day with my BFFE, found a gorgeous dress and heels to match, the following day was a different wedding, and then today I sang in my church and had lunch with my parents and favorite pregnant cousin. It has been a fun-filled week. And tomorrow I have the beach with another girlfriend, Tuesday is a day at my friend's pool, Wednesday is another day at the beach with my little sister, Thursday is breakfast with a friend and dinner with my grandparents, Friday morning I'm getting my hair and make-up done for the wedding, Friday evening is my BFFE's wedding, and then a family BBQ Saturday, a friends night out Sunday, and then probably time with the in-laws on Monday, and then its back home next Tuesday. There are a couple other breakfasts, dinners, and coffees in there as well. Lol. I'm going to need a vacation from my vacation!! But I am so stoked to see everyone and my mom and I are having an absolute blast. We have gotten into the habit of playing cards each night and omg to we crack up. I have soo missed that time with my mom. And I must admit I think its going to be harder to leave her this time than it was the last...

In fact it was so funny I wrote a "note" on Facebook last night and its this sweet note about a soldier coming home and making love to his wife but she wakes up and finds that it was all a dream. So I always love my Mom's opinion on my writing and so I asked her to read it aloud, but instead of reading what I wrote she ad libbed. So I am posting my original note first then her version second.

He places his boots down and rids his body of his uniform and looks down at his beautiful bride. For a moment he is captivated by how peaceful she looks sleeping and hesitates to wake her. Instead though, he caresses her cheek and runs his fingers through her curls, a soft smile on his lips. Her eyelids flutter for a moment but then she smiles back at him in recognition, so happy to see him next to her again. He gently brought her to him and their lips met in a gentle kiss, lips dancing with one another. His hand in her hair he deepens their kiss and they fall into a lover's rhythm. Within moments they are back on the bed as his hands memorized each curve of her body and her fingernails lightly traced his shoulders and back becoming breathless with each of his caresses.

For a little while time stopped as they made love. There were no fireworks or background music just the simplicity of being in love and completely devoted to the other. Each kiss was a reminder that they were going to be okay, each touch a reminder that he would come home to her, and as they held one another and drifted to sleep they didn't have to say how much they loved the other because one could tell just by looking at them.

Sunlight painted their room in bright oranges and yellows beckoning a new morning. She smiled thinking of the night. She reached for him but as she kept reaching and she opened her eyes she realized that he wasn't there. His boots and uniform were nowhere to be seen as tears silently ran down her cheeks, where his hand had seemed to have been just a few hours ago, it was then she realized it had all been a dream. She laid back down, hugged his pillow, and prayed that time would fly and that she would soon be in his arms.

My Mom's Version:

He places his boots down and rids his body of his uniform and looks down at his beautiful bride. For a moment he is captivated by how peaceful she looks sleeping and hesitates to wake her. Instead though, he caresses her cheek and runs his fingers through her curls, a soft smile on his lips. Her eyelids flutter for a moment and then she grabs the frying pan that she keeps under her pillow and smacks him upside the head. She runs to turn on the light tripping over his combat boots and in the next moment she realizes who it is. She runs to his side as he moans in pain from the attack. She crouches down next to him trying to contain her laughter. He chuckles thinking that that is one of the many reasons he married her...she was vicious. He lifted his hand to her hair and brought her to him for a kiss, they kissed passionately until all the sudden his hand was caught! He tried to gently get it out of her hair but it had somehow become knotted. And so he kind of yanked and with a yelp from her his hand was free. She glared at him a moment but couldn't stay mad because she was so ecstatic to see him. And as they gazed into one another's eyes everyone watching could tell just how in love they were. They made love and fell asleep in one another's arms.

Sunlight painted their room in oranges and yellows smiling as she hummed to herself. The couple was finally wakened by her humming and they woke up, each holding their heads in pain. She looked at him and laughed seeing an, already, black and blue goose egg on the side of his head. But as he turned to mock-glare at her he couldn't contain his chuckle at the slight bald spot where his hand had gotten stuck.

Ohh how I have missed my Mom.

Well that's about all for now. I'll try to get another blog up before I get back home because once I get back it will be full-time work and school again. Ta-ta for now!