Last week of: School, in Ak before Fl, and talking to Shawn...

***The views expressed in this blog entry and all previous blog entries do not, directly or indirectly, reflect the opinions of American Eagle Outfitters/AEO inc.***

First and foremost: Happy Sixth Month Anniversary to my amazing and wonderful husband!!!

Deep Breath

It has been a rough few days, I can certainly say that much for sure. It's almost as if my last blog jinxed me. I was right in the middle of helping Nikkie move which absolutely exhausted me, and for those who do not know me, exhaustion makes me quite emotional and makes me feel overwhelmed. However between yesterday and this evening I am slowly gaining control of everything again. Nikkie has left for California and I am in my last week of classes and work before I head to Florida. I am sitting at an "A" and a "B" for my classes, which is a stupendous feeling. And I have begun my to-do lists before my big trip. The "To Pack", "To Buy", "To Pay For" (<-- I wish that one didn't exist, lol)..."The Dogs", "To Bring" etc etc...a little extensive I know but it makes me feel better once I have everything written down so I know I'm not going to forget anything once I take off.

I visited and rode Lindsey Lou yesterday, and that went really well. Initially I wasn't going to go out because I had a few things due for classes but I decided to go anyway and I still turned all my homework in on time and got over 8 hours of sleep, which is what I need to function 100% of the next day. Unfortunately though I think I'm going to need to buy an ankle support for when I ride until I'm in better shape. If you didn't know Shawn and I love to wrestle and chase one another around the house and back in February we were doing just that when I decided to do a spider monkey jump off the stairs in order to tackle him...well instead I ended up missing, landing on his ACU boot, spraining my ankle, and ending up in a walking boot for two weeks. Oh joy. Well it hasn't quite been the same since. It's still pretty sore when I wear heels, if I misstep its a jolt of pain, and when I ride my ankle shakes after about fifteen minutes. Sooo in order to avoid further injury I'm going to buy a brace when I get back..and proper boots since I've been riding in tennis shoes.

Things at work are going well. We are getting ready for a huge Memorial Day sale, 40% off the entire store, and we're one of ten stores in the Nation that are participating in it. So that should be awesome. And I must say that I am so proud of my store and the associates and fellow staff members. We have won every district contest in the last three weeks, so go us!! I'm pretty excited about the potential this store holds, but also my part in it. :)

Personally, I need prayers, if I were to be honest. I am struggling with some personal issues that have me in an inner struggle with how I feel about myself, how my future is going to pan out versus how I had foreseen it to, and how the next two months are going to effect my health. And it bites because my self-esteem has been really good lately with my recent accomplishments but what I'm facing is very difficult for many women and I'm afraid that I won't feel as "womanly" as I have in the last couple of months. And what makes it worse is my husband is gone, so he isn't here to reassure me that I am a woman...that I am beautiful, sexy, and enough for him. And so that has been weighing heavy on my mind the last few days as well. However, I do have a game plan, once I go through what I'm facing I am going to fight back. I'm going to live a healthier life style and hopefully make a difference in how this could effect me, health wise anyway. I'm hoping to conquer the "head game" that I know will (and has) been playing with me and move on from it stronger because of it. But please, prayers are always appreciated.

Shawn is having a good day today. I spoke with him a couple hours ago and he, genuinely, sounded happy. Odd I know..I told him he sounded weird on the phone. And he told me that as he rolls out to his final destination in his deployment he is more and more sure of us, and our future together, and how much he loves, adores, and misses me. He assured me that he will come home to me, and how amazing being together again will be. And in that phone call I was reminded of so many things. First and foremost how amazing of a man he is. Secondly, knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt how important I am to him. Thirdly, how much he loves me and how deeply and completely I love him. And lastly, how afraid I am. Where he is going he may, or may not, have communication. It could be like how it is now where I talk to him, just about, every day, on the other hand it could be where there is nothing and I won't hear from him in a month. And that was my last phone call before he left for that destination...and our Brigade has already lost three soldiers. It's not something one can dwell on because if you did you would slowly go insane, however, it is the reality of this job. And there's moments when I'm so terrified that this call or that call may be his last...and there are no words to describe the kind of terror and anguish that one experiences even thinking about such an outcome. And so, I have a new OCD song (as my mom and I would call them) and it's "I Won't Let Go" by Rascal Flatts. And I think I have listened to it 100 times the last few days. It's all about the singer being there for the one he is singing to and when I listen to it I think of how my mom is there for me, God, and how Nikkie and I have been so supportive of one another. And I'm able to let go for a few moments and I'm able to regroup and refocus on how amazing me and Shawn's love is, how precious our life has been together, and how amazing the rest of it will be.

I know this is a long blog and I know it's a bit of a downer, but I promised to share everything and this ^^^ is the reality, the real Army Wife life. You have moments of fear, days of happiness because you get the honor of being married to a hero, and months of everything in between. I think that this year will be one of the most difficult BUT I also think that it will be one of the most rewarding.

***To those who lost loved ones last week:***

Your soldier has paid the ultimate price for our freedom and for that I am deeply and sincerely so sorry. I pray that you are able to find peace through your grief, strength through your tears, and light in the darkness.

Just Catching Up ")

Being an Army Wife is not easy. It's not a walk in the rose garden. And it isn't for everybody. But being an Army Wife is so rewarding. It opens up opportunities that one may not have had before. And it allows me to do a bit of soul searching, to see who I am outside of a wife and daughter. I'm not saying that I haven't cried, I have. I'm not saying that life without him is easy, it isn't. I'm saying that there are good things to come of it. And you have to find these little positives otherwise you lose your mind in how much you miss them, how much coming home to an empty house sucks, and how many months there are until you see them again.

I have certainly had my moments of utter anguish, where I wanted the Earth to swallow me whole in order to avoid the pain of not being with him. But this is not the kind of feelings that you harbor on and it's not what you share with your husband when you do get to talk. You tell him that everything is fine, that you are doing really well and that of course you miss him(!!!) but that's it. You don't share that you've eaten a whole thing of cookies, two big things of pudding, and that you may have done a bit of retail therapy. ;) {I know my secret is safe with you guys.}

I must say though that the last few days with Shawn were great. We took a trip to Denali State Park with our favorite couple and had an absolute blast and took lots of cute pictures. And then we spent the afternoon at the park one day with the puppies. And then our last night we watched movies and cuddled and just tried to memorize how I felt in his arms, the way he smelled, the way he would cup my face in his hands and kiss me... The morning he left was easier than I thought. We went to the holding area and me and another wife spent the two hours chit chatting while they ran around getting their gear ready. And then we held one another for a bit. And then they called them to form up and after that my husband's squad called for a meeting and when they were finished with that they had to form up to leave again, and they were marched out the door..we wouldn't have been able to say good-bye except that Shawn turned around and came back to give me one more hug and kiss before he loaded the bus.

Other than that he is doing well. 8 days down 357 to go. :D There are times when it feels like its been a month when other days I'm like oh my gosh its already been a week! I have stayed really busy with school and work, plus the last two days I've been helping my best friend move. Not to mention the dogs, house, errands, and bills. OH!! And I'm leasing a little dappled grey Arabian/Quarter Horse. She is soo cute, and she has already done so well for me. She's like my therapy right now.

I'm also looking forward to seeing all my friends and family when I go visit Florida in a few days...11 to be exact. :) I'm planning a big get together with everyone from my old job, wings from The Diner, a spa day with my little sister, maybe a trip to Universal with my friend Dexter, eating SUPER YUMMY FLORIDA FOOOODDD!!! lol..and lots of time with my Mom and family. I don't want to do a whole bunch of "going-being-seeing" I wanna relax, take a load off, and spend some quality time with my family.

On a couple OMG notes, I have officially been up here for 5 months and 6 days. And on Monday it will be Shawn's and my's 6 month anniversary. And I have been working at American Eagle for over two months too, all craziness I tell you, absolute craziness!!

So I guess that is about it. Everything is going really well and I can't wait to see everybody!!

PEE.ESS:

Top pic: Waiting for him to leave

Middle: On our way to Denali, we are actually standing on this rock overhanging a raging river at the base of the mountain...yea..totallyyyy safe.

Bottom: My Lindsey Lou, who I call Elle <--pronounced like "L."