I know that the last couple blogs I've written have been a little less "bubbly" than my normal writings but the one thing I want more than anything is 5000 miles away and there are fleeting moments where I feel like he isn't as excited as I am, or as anxious. I just miss him like crazy and it's made me a little crazy. Lol. Tonight we got on the phone after I got off work and he told me that he was in a pickle. And proceeded to ask if he should stay on the phone with me (because I take precedence) or if he should get off the phone and go hang out with the guys in his room. And so, trying to keep the conversation light, I replied "Would you like the politically correct answer? Or the jealous wife answer?" You see when I hang out with my best friend Shawn knows that 1) Either don't call me at all OR 2) If he does call it will be very short. Now this is the difference. Even if I didn't leave my best friends house until 12 it's still 8 where he's at. So he can have an hour conversation with me and still have the night to him and his friends. But then the weekend comes along and I get off work late and he's wanting to hang out with his buddies (which I encourage and support!) but it interferes with our night time conversations. Now I realize how ridiculous that may sound but between the time difference and our jobs Midnight my time, eight o' clock his time, is basically are unofficial block time to catch up with one another. And when I get mad, or hurt, or upset when he wants to get off the phone and hang out with his buds it's not because I feel neglected per se, it's because I'm jealous that they get to spend that time with him, taking our time away, and me being stuck here with my dogs, bed, and a candle. And it's just another reminder of something we can't do together. So I'm not the crazy jealous wife, at least not in the common understanding of the phrase.
On the up side the paperwork for everything has gone pretty smoothly and now we're really hoping to find a place and get me up there ASAP. So hopefully everything will fall into place in those departments.
On a completely different note I had a little bit of a panic today. Mom and I were sitting in our living room when out of the blue I started crying and asking her if I could handle moving so far and that snow balled into what I wanted to end up doing for my career. You see, when I entered college I knew I was going to be an elementary school teacher and I thought I would be good at it. Well after having a rough start to the program I decided over the summer that I wanted to be a Paralegal. But now I'm not sure of anything. I love the idea of being a part of a child's life, hopefully someone that can teach them a valuable lesson about life and themselves. But with moving around so much I don't know if I could do it. I certainly wouldn't earn tenure anywhere and trying to start all over in a new school would be difficult I think. If I were a Paralegal 1) I could receive the degree in 15 months. 2) I could strive to work for the Army as well, making my job transferable. 3) It pays a lot better. So I'm stuck. I want to change children's lives but I also need a job that is going to benefit my family and myself.....so my future is a mystery.
I don't know I guess I'm just having a panicky day. I'm not only stressing about Shawn's and my future but my personal future as well. Because I don't know what could happen in 10 years and I don't want to be a woman who all she knows to do is wait tables, cook, clean, change diapers, and write a blog. I want an education, I want to have goals again, and to really feel like I've accomplished something. I don't want to be 30 and realize that I didn't do anything I set out to do. I don't want to make that mistake. It's one of the reasons I fell in love with Shawn. Everyone around him (including me at one point) told him that he wouldn't amount to anything. So one day he "woke-up" and decided to change that. He decided to join the Army and make something out of himself. I'm sure he wondered if it was the right decision, and I'm sure he had moments of pure panic, but he did it regardless and that was one of the biggest factors of us getting back together. I want to do that so badly, to go after something with nothing held back. To be scared out of my mind and saddle up anyway (John Wayne, I know) but I'm havng such a hard time figuring out what it is I want.
Well I suppose that's enough rambling for one night. I'm hoping my next blog or two will bring some happier news or just a happier Jenn. I suppose we'll see. Tomorrow is work, packing, and getting my music for my last song at my church. Enjoy your weekend my friends. Sleep well. :)
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