Not Knowing

The hardest thing about being an Army Wife is just the not knowing. A friend of mine keeps her own Army Wife blog and in one of her installments she was talking about the "rumor mill" and how nasty it is. Each time she heard something she would approach her husband asking if it was true or not and the answer was always the same, "No, not true." And so finally she just stopped asking. I have since tried to keep that in mind as I hear various things about our Company. A couple weeks before I headed up here I was told that the men were supposed to come home in January and that is why they were moving everyone's R & R dates up. But I spoke with my FRG leader and I found that it wasn't the case, that they were not planning on coming any earlier than next spring. And I hadn't held my breath on the rumor because I learned pretty quickly to ignore them.

One the same note, I had a very scary moment about a week before I got in Florida. I was driving home from work and as I pulled up to my house there was a strange car parked there and my heart leaped into my throat and my stomach dropped to the floor. I immediately began looking for two men in Class A's terrified that my eyes would find them. And finally I realized that it was just my inconsiderate neighbors who parked in front of my house. But I cannot even begin to explain to you the feelings that I was experiencing in that moment. As a military wife the not knowing is the hardest in my opinion. I can handle long nights on my own, I can "keep the home fires burning," I am actually finding that I'm pretty independent and happy with the life I'm establishing for myself. However knowing my husband is in danger and not hearing from him in over a week is the hardest. And you try not to think about it but its always there. There's no going around it. And what's so hard right now is my Dad is an avid News watcher. And he insists that I need to watch it in order to understand what is going on. And there are moments where I want to grab him by the shoulders and scream at him; "I KNOW what is going on, we are at WAR, my husband is THERE, and he may NOT come back." THE END. But I refrain and instead resort to walking out of the room or ignoring him altogether. Lol. Not that I don't respect my Dad, I do, and if I do want more information than what I've been given then its him I call to get it. But I worry enough on my own that I don't need the news to tell me how dangerous my husband's job is.

My Mom and I were talking one evening and I found myself struggling the first couple months in Alaska trying to decide if I was "worthy" of being considered an "Army Wife," because I hadn't been one for long. I wasn't sure if I had "earned my rank" so to speak. And as I tried to explain this to my mom she was shaking her head and I asked her what she was thinking and she said; "It's not necessarily what you have gone through that 'earns' that status, but what you signed up for, and what you prepared for." And I thought about it for a moment and she's right. Whether you have been a military wife for two months or twenty years you are still entitled to the same fear, anxiety, sadness, and difficulty the other wives are. Now, I'm not giving anyone permission to dwell on it, but I certainly can't think that I am the only one who has ever felt this way, and I just want to state that time doesn't matter, its what we have come to accept about the realities of our husbands' jobs that makes us the military spouses that we are. It's knowing that he may not come home, and praying with everything you have that he will. It's falling asleep in his t-shirt and spooning his pillow. It's that feeling you get when you see the FRG leader calling your phone or you hear that one of our soldiers has been killed. It's the emotional war that we fight day in and day out that gives us the right to say we are a military spouse.

I want so desperately to hear his voice...its been almost a week...

On a different note I had a great dinner with my girlfriend Kat this evening. We went to this awesome soup and salad buffet and it was so delicious. And then I came home and my mom and I watched "No Strings Attached" which was super cute. And then we played this new card game I'm addicted to called "Egyptian Rat Screw" and we had a great time with that. Tomorrow I'm going to the beach with my little sister, I'm hoping to TAN my front half because yesterday I fell asleep at the beach and ended up burning my back half. Sooo I'm hoping to smooth and tone it all out tomorrow. And then its off to appetizers with my guy friend, Dexter.

All in all the week will be busy but I'm looking forward to all of the time spent with friends and family, its something I've really needed and looked forward to. Anyway I'm going to jump off of here and head to sleep, it's 2 AM EST so it's off to dreamland for me. Sleep well my friends.

***Star gazing until I am with you again my love***