***The views expressed in this blog entry and all previous blog entries do not, directly or indirectly, reflect the opinions of American Eagle Outfitters/AEO inc.***
First and foremost: Happy Sixth Month Anniversary to my amazing and wonderful husband!!!
Deep Breath
It has been a rough few days, I can certainly say that much for sure. It's almost as if my last blog jinxed me. I was right in the middle of helping Nikkie move which absolutely exhausted me, and for those who do not know me, exhaustion makes me quite emotional and makes me feel overwhelmed. However between yesterday and this evening I am slowly gaining control of everything again. Nikkie has left for California and I am in my last week of classes and work before I head to Florida. I am sitting at an "A" and a "B" for my classes, which is a stupendous feeling. And I have begun my to-do lists before my big trip. The "To Pack", "To Buy", "To Pay For" (<-- I wish that one didn't exist, lol)..."The Dogs", "To Bring" etc etc...a little extensive I know but it makes me feel better once I have everything written down so I know I'm not going to forget anything once I take off.
I visited and rode Lindsey Lou yesterday, and that went really well. Initially I wasn't going to go out because I had a few things due for classes but I decided to go anyway and I still turned all my homework in on time and got over 8 hours of sleep, which is what I need to function 100% of the next day. Unfortunately though I think I'm going to need to buy an ankle support for when I ride until I'm in better shape. If you didn't know Shawn and I love to wrestle and chase one another around the house and back in February we were doing just that when I decided to do a spider monkey jump off the stairs in order to tackle him...well instead I ended up missing, landing on his ACU boot, spraining my ankle, and ending up in a walking boot for two weeks. Oh joy. Well it hasn't quite been the same since. It's still pretty sore when I wear heels, if I misstep its a jolt of pain, and when I ride my ankle shakes after about fifteen minutes. Sooo in order to avoid further injury I'm going to buy a brace when I get back..and proper boots since I've been riding in tennis shoes.
Things at work are going well. We are getting ready for a huge Memorial Day sale, 40% off the entire store, and we're one of ten stores in the Nation that are participating in it. So that should be awesome. And I must say that I am so proud of my store and the associates and fellow staff members. We have won every district contest in the last three weeks, so go us!! I'm pretty excited about the potential this store holds, but also my part in it. :)
Personally, I need prayers, if I were to be honest. I am struggling with some personal issues that have me in an inner struggle with how I feel about myself, how my future is going to pan out versus how I had foreseen it to, and how the next two months are going to effect my health. And it bites because my self-esteem has been really good lately with my recent accomplishments but what I'm facing is very difficult for many women and I'm afraid that I won't feel as "womanly" as I have in the last couple of months. And what makes it worse is my husband is gone, so he isn't here to reassure me that I am a woman...that I am beautiful, sexy, and enough for him. And so that has been weighing heavy on my mind the last few days as well. However, I do have a game plan, once I go through what I'm facing I am going to fight back. I'm going to live a healthier life style and hopefully make a difference in how this could effect me, health wise anyway. I'm hoping to conquer the "head game" that I know will (and has) been playing with me and move on from it stronger because of it. But please, prayers are always appreciated.
Shawn is having a good day today. I spoke with him a couple hours ago and he, genuinely, sounded happy. Odd I know..I told him he sounded weird on the phone. And he told me that as he rolls out to his final destination in his deployment he is more and more sure of us, and our future together, and how much he loves, adores, and misses me. He assured me that he will come home to me, and how amazing being together again will be. And in that phone call I was reminded of so many things. First and foremost how amazing of a man he is. Secondly, knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt how important I am to him. Thirdly, how much he loves me and how deeply and completely I love him. And lastly, how afraid I am. Where he is going he may, or may not, have communication. It could be like how it is now where I talk to him, just about, every day, on the other hand it could be where there is nothing and I won't hear from him in a month. And that was my last phone call before he left for that destination...and our Brigade has already lost three soldiers. It's not something one can dwell on because if you did you would slowly go insane, however, it is the reality of this job. And there's moments when I'm so terrified that this call or that call may be his last...and there are no words to describe the kind of terror and anguish that one experiences even thinking about such an outcome. And so, I have a new OCD song (as my mom and I would call them) and it's "I Won't Let Go" by Rascal Flatts. And I think I have listened to it 100 times the last few days. It's all about the singer being there for the one he is singing to and when I listen to it I think of how my mom is there for me, God, and how Nikkie and I have been so supportive of one another. And I'm able to let go for a few moments and I'm able to regroup and refocus on how amazing me and Shawn's love is, how precious our life has been together, and how amazing the rest of it will be.
I know this is a long blog and I know it's a bit of a downer, but I promised to share everything and this ^^^ is the reality, the real Army Wife life. You have moments of fear, days of happiness because you get the honor of being married to a hero, and months of everything in between. I think that this year will be one of the most difficult BUT I also think that it will be one of the most rewarding.
***To those who lost loved ones last week:***
Your soldier has paid the ultimate price for our freedom and for that I am deeply and sincerely so sorry. I pray that you are able to find peace through your grief, strength through your tears, and light in the darkness.
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