Not Knowing

The hardest thing about being an Army Wife is just the not knowing. A friend of mine keeps her own Army Wife blog and in one of her installments she was talking about the "rumor mill" and how nasty it is. Each time she heard something she would approach her husband asking if it was true or not and the answer was always the same, "No, not true." And so finally she just stopped asking. I have since tried to keep that in mind as I hear various things about our Company. A couple weeks before I headed up here I was told that the men were supposed to come home in January and that is why they were moving everyone's R & R dates up. But I spoke with my FRG leader and I found that it wasn't the case, that they were not planning on coming any earlier than next spring. And I hadn't held my breath on the rumor because I learned pretty quickly to ignore them.

One the same note, I had a very scary moment about a week before I got in Florida. I was driving home from work and as I pulled up to my house there was a strange car parked there and my heart leaped into my throat and my stomach dropped to the floor. I immediately began looking for two men in Class A's terrified that my eyes would find them. And finally I realized that it was just my inconsiderate neighbors who parked in front of my house. But I cannot even begin to explain to you the feelings that I was experiencing in that moment. As a military wife the not knowing is the hardest in my opinion. I can handle long nights on my own, I can "keep the home fires burning," I am actually finding that I'm pretty independent and happy with the life I'm establishing for myself. However knowing my husband is in danger and not hearing from him in over a week is the hardest. And you try not to think about it but its always there. There's no going around it. And what's so hard right now is my Dad is an avid News watcher. And he insists that I need to watch it in order to understand what is going on. And there are moments where I want to grab him by the shoulders and scream at him; "I KNOW what is going on, we are at WAR, my husband is THERE, and he may NOT come back." THE END. But I refrain and instead resort to walking out of the room or ignoring him altogether. Lol. Not that I don't respect my Dad, I do, and if I do want more information than what I've been given then its him I call to get it. But I worry enough on my own that I don't need the news to tell me how dangerous my husband's job is.

My Mom and I were talking one evening and I found myself struggling the first couple months in Alaska trying to decide if I was "worthy" of being considered an "Army Wife," because I hadn't been one for long. I wasn't sure if I had "earned my rank" so to speak. And as I tried to explain this to my mom she was shaking her head and I asked her what she was thinking and she said; "It's not necessarily what you have gone through that 'earns' that status, but what you signed up for, and what you prepared for." And I thought about it for a moment and she's right. Whether you have been a military wife for two months or twenty years you are still entitled to the same fear, anxiety, sadness, and difficulty the other wives are. Now, I'm not giving anyone permission to dwell on it, but I certainly can't think that I am the only one who has ever felt this way, and I just want to state that time doesn't matter, its what we have come to accept about the realities of our husbands' jobs that makes us the military spouses that we are. It's knowing that he may not come home, and praying with everything you have that he will. It's falling asleep in his t-shirt and spooning his pillow. It's that feeling you get when you see the FRG leader calling your phone or you hear that one of our soldiers has been killed. It's the emotional war that we fight day in and day out that gives us the right to say we are a military spouse.

I want so desperately to hear his voice...its been almost a week...

On a different note I had a great dinner with my girlfriend Kat this evening. We went to this awesome soup and salad buffet and it was so delicious. And then I came home and my mom and I watched "No Strings Attached" which was super cute. And then we played this new card game I'm addicted to called "Egyptian Rat Screw" and we had a great time with that. Tomorrow I'm going to the beach with my little sister, I'm hoping to TAN my front half because yesterday I fell asleep at the beach and ended up burning my back half. Sooo I'm hoping to smooth and tone it all out tomorrow. And then its off to appetizers with my guy friend, Dexter.

All in all the week will be busy but I'm looking forward to all of the time spent with friends and family, its something I've really needed and looked forward to. Anyway I'm going to jump off of here and head to sleep, it's 2 AM EST so it's off to dreamland for me. Sleep well my friends.

***Star gazing until I am with you again my love***

The Goose Egg and the Bald Spot

Let me just say that I am ecstatic to be here!! But, omg does that trip take so much out of you. The day I left I had a meeting at work, then worked for a few hours, went home cleaned the house, got everything set-up for the puppies, and grabbed all the last essentials for the trip. And then I headed over to a friend's place and they made me dinner and took me to the airport. Checked my bags, boarded and it was over a six hour flight to Minneapolis. During the flight I bought internet in case Shawn was able to get on and he was, EXCEPT! My internet didn't start working again until after he had signed off. Oh let me tell you how upset I was. I put my head against the window and just sobbed. I hadn't heard from him in nine days and missing that moment was just too much for me, I desperately wanted to communicate in some way with him. But low and behold I wasn't off the plane for 45 seconds before he called...and I cried again except this time with relief. It was so great to hear his voice even though I was too tired to make for a decent conversation. Gosh, he is so amazing. We talked for 6:42 and we were just able to tell one another how much we loved one another and how much we missed one another. Its been four days since I heard from him but we (the Army wives in my brigade) received an e-mail from their first sergeant stating that things have been relatively quiet and that reliable phone and internet should be available by the end of the month.

Since getting here it has been a whirlwind of events. When I finally arrived in Orlando I had not slept in over 26 hours and went home and passed out for three. Afterwards I went to the Diner with my mom and spent some time with her. Went to a local bar with a girlfriend and hung out for about an hour before I came back home. Mom was still up and we talked about things that needed to be discussed for a couple hours and I finally was able to get things off my chest, and I was able to learn some things about myself. Since then every day has been filled with something. The next day I took my little sister shopping, tried to find a dress to my best friend's wedding with no avail, spent the next day with my BFFE, found a gorgeous dress and heels to match, the following day was a different wedding, and then today I sang in my church and had lunch with my parents and favorite pregnant cousin. It has been a fun-filled week. And tomorrow I have the beach with another girlfriend, Tuesday is a day at my friend's pool, Wednesday is another day at the beach with my little sister, Thursday is breakfast with a friend and dinner with my grandparents, Friday morning I'm getting my hair and make-up done for the wedding, Friday evening is my BFFE's wedding, and then a family BBQ Saturday, a friends night out Sunday, and then probably time with the in-laws on Monday, and then its back home next Tuesday. There are a couple other breakfasts, dinners, and coffees in there as well. Lol. I'm going to need a vacation from my vacation!! But I am so stoked to see everyone and my mom and I are having an absolute blast. We have gotten into the habit of playing cards each night and omg to we crack up. I have soo missed that time with my mom. And I must admit I think its going to be harder to leave her this time than it was the last...

In fact it was so funny I wrote a "note" on Facebook last night and its this sweet note about a soldier coming home and making love to his wife but she wakes up and finds that it was all a dream. So I always love my Mom's opinion on my writing and so I asked her to read it aloud, but instead of reading what I wrote she ad libbed. So I am posting my original note first then her version second.

He places his boots down and rids his body of his uniform and looks down at his beautiful bride. For a moment he is captivated by how peaceful she looks sleeping and hesitates to wake her. Instead though, he caresses her cheek and runs his fingers through her curls, a soft smile on his lips. Her eyelids flutter for a moment but then she smiles back at him in recognition, so happy to see him next to her again. He gently brought her to him and their lips met in a gentle kiss, lips dancing with one another. His hand in her hair he deepens their kiss and they fall into a lover's rhythm. Within moments they are back on the bed as his hands memorized each curve of her body and her fingernails lightly traced his shoulders and back becoming breathless with each of his caresses.

For a little while time stopped as they made love. There were no fireworks or background music just the simplicity of being in love and completely devoted to the other. Each kiss was a reminder that they were going to be okay, each touch a reminder that he would come home to her, and as they held one another and drifted to sleep they didn't have to say how much they loved the other because one could tell just by looking at them.

Sunlight painted their room in bright oranges and yellows beckoning a new morning. She smiled thinking of the night. She reached for him but as she kept reaching and she opened her eyes she realized that he wasn't there. His boots and uniform were nowhere to be seen as tears silently ran down her cheeks, where his hand had seemed to have been just a few hours ago, it was then she realized it had all been a dream. She laid back down, hugged his pillow, and prayed that time would fly and that she would soon be in his arms.

My Mom's Version:

He places his boots down and rids his body of his uniform and looks down at his beautiful bride. For a moment he is captivated by how peaceful she looks sleeping and hesitates to wake her. Instead though, he caresses her cheek and runs his fingers through her curls, a soft smile on his lips. Her eyelids flutter for a moment and then she grabs the frying pan that she keeps under her pillow and smacks him upside the head. She runs to turn on the light tripping over his combat boots and in the next moment she realizes who it is. She runs to his side as he moans in pain from the attack. She crouches down next to him trying to contain her laughter. He chuckles thinking that that is one of the many reasons he married her...she was vicious. He lifted his hand to her hair and brought her to him for a kiss, they kissed passionately until all the sudden his hand was caught! He tried to gently get it out of her hair but it had somehow become knotted. And so he kind of yanked and with a yelp from her his hand was free. She glared at him a moment but couldn't stay mad because she was so ecstatic to see him. And as they gazed into one another's eyes everyone watching could tell just how in love they were. They made love and fell asleep in one another's arms.

Sunlight painted their room in oranges and yellows smiling as she hummed to herself. The couple was finally wakened by her humming and they woke up, each holding their heads in pain. She looked at him and laughed seeing an, already, black and blue goose egg on the side of his head. But as he turned to mock-glare at her he couldn't contain his chuckle at the slight bald spot where his hand had gotten stuck.

Ohh how I have missed my Mom.

Well that's about all for now. I'll try to get another blog up before I get back home because once I get back it will be full-time work and school again. Ta-ta for now!

Last week of: School, in Ak before Fl, and talking to Shawn...

***The views expressed in this blog entry and all previous blog entries do not, directly or indirectly, reflect the opinions of American Eagle Outfitters/AEO inc.***

First and foremost: Happy Sixth Month Anniversary to my amazing and wonderful husband!!!

Deep Breath

It has been a rough few days, I can certainly say that much for sure. It's almost as if my last blog jinxed me. I was right in the middle of helping Nikkie move which absolutely exhausted me, and for those who do not know me, exhaustion makes me quite emotional and makes me feel overwhelmed. However between yesterday and this evening I am slowly gaining control of everything again. Nikkie has left for California and I am in my last week of classes and work before I head to Florida. I am sitting at an "A" and a "B" for my classes, which is a stupendous feeling. And I have begun my to-do lists before my big trip. The "To Pack", "To Buy", "To Pay For" (<-- I wish that one didn't exist, lol)..."The Dogs", "To Bring" etc etc...a little extensive I know but it makes me feel better once I have everything written down so I know I'm not going to forget anything once I take off.

I visited and rode Lindsey Lou yesterday, and that went really well. Initially I wasn't going to go out because I had a few things due for classes but I decided to go anyway and I still turned all my homework in on time and got over 8 hours of sleep, which is what I need to function 100% of the next day. Unfortunately though I think I'm going to need to buy an ankle support for when I ride until I'm in better shape. If you didn't know Shawn and I love to wrestle and chase one another around the house and back in February we were doing just that when I decided to do a spider monkey jump off the stairs in order to tackle him...well instead I ended up missing, landing on his ACU boot, spraining my ankle, and ending up in a walking boot for two weeks. Oh joy. Well it hasn't quite been the same since. It's still pretty sore when I wear heels, if I misstep its a jolt of pain, and when I ride my ankle shakes after about fifteen minutes. Sooo in order to avoid further injury I'm going to buy a brace when I get back..and proper boots since I've been riding in tennis shoes.

Things at work are going well. We are getting ready for a huge Memorial Day sale, 40% off the entire store, and we're one of ten stores in the Nation that are participating in it. So that should be awesome. And I must say that I am so proud of my store and the associates and fellow staff members. We have won every district contest in the last three weeks, so go us!! I'm pretty excited about the potential this store holds, but also my part in it. :)

Personally, I need prayers, if I were to be honest. I am struggling with some personal issues that have me in an inner struggle with how I feel about myself, how my future is going to pan out versus how I had foreseen it to, and how the next two months are going to effect my health. And it bites because my self-esteem has been really good lately with my recent accomplishments but what I'm facing is very difficult for many women and I'm afraid that I won't feel as "womanly" as I have in the last couple of months. And what makes it worse is my husband is gone, so he isn't here to reassure me that I am a woman...that I am beautiful, sexy, and enough for him. And so that has been weighing heavy on my mind the last few days as well. However, I do have a game plan, once I go through what I'm facing I am going to fight back. I'm going to live a healthier life style and hopefully make a difference in how this could effect me, health wise anyway. I'm hoping to conquer the "head game" that I know will (and has) been playing with me and move on from it stronger because of it. But please, prayers are always appreciated.

Shawn is having a good day today. I spoke with him a couple hours ago and he, genuinely, sounded happy. Odd I know..I told him he sounded weird on the phone. And he told me that as he rolls out to his final destination in his deployment he is more and more sure of us, and our future together, and how much he loves, adores, and misses me. He assured me that he will come home to me, and how amazing being together again will be. And in that phone call I was reminded of so many things. First and foremost how amazing of a man he is. Secondly, knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt how important I am to him. Thirdly, how much he loves me and how deeply and completely I love him. And lastly, how afraid I am. Where he is going he may, or may not, have communication. It could be like how it is now where I talk to him, just about, every day, on the other hand it could be where there is nothing and I won't hear from him in a month. And that was my last phone call before he left for that destination...and our Brigade has already lost three soldiers. It's not something one can dwell on because if you did you would slowly go insane, however, it is the reality of this job. And there's moments when I'm so terrified that this call or that call may be his last...and there are no words to describe the kind of terror and anguish that one experiences even thinking about such an outcome. And so, I have a new OCD song (as my mom and I would call them) and it's "I Won't Let Go" by Rascal Flatts. And I think I have listened to it 100 times the last few days. It's all about the singer being there for the one he is singing to and when I listen to it I think of how my mom is there for me, God, and how Nikkie and I have been so supportive of one another. And I'm able to let go for a few moments and I'm able to regroup and refocus on how amazing me and Shawn's love is, how precious our life has been together, and how amazing the rest of it will be.

I know this is a long blog and I know it's a bit of a downer, but I promised to share everything and this ^^^ is the reality, the real Army Wife life. You have moments of fear, days of happiness because you get the honor of being married to a hero, and months of everything in between. I think that this year will be one of the most difficult BUT I also think that it will be one of the most rewarding.

***To those who lost loved ones last week:***

Your soldier has paid the ultimate price for our freedom and for that I am deeply and sincerely so sorry. I pray that you are able to find peace through your grief, strength through your tears, and light in the darkness.

Just Catching Up ")

Being an Army Wife is not easy. It's not a walk in the rose garden. And it isn't for everybody. But being an Army Wife is so rewarding. It opens up opportunities that one may not have had before. And it allows me to do a bit of soul searching, to see who I am outside of a wife and daughter. I'm not saying that I haven't cried, I have. I'm not saying that life without him is easy, it isn't. I'm saying that there are good things to come of it. And you have to find these little positives otherwise you lose your mind in how much you miss them, how much coming home to an empty house sucks, and how many months there are until you see them again.

I have certainly had my moments of utter anguish, where I wanted the Earth to swallow me whole in order to avoid the pain of not being with him. But this is not the kind of feelings that you harbor on and it's not what you share with your husband when you do get to talk. You tell him that everything is fine, that you are doing really well and that of course you miss him(!!!) but that's it. You don't share that you've eaten a whole thing of cookies, two big things of pudding, and that you may have done a bit of retail therapy. ;) {I know my secret is safe with you guys.}

I must say though that the last few days with Shawn were great. We took a trip to Denali State Park with our favorite couple and had an absolute blast and took lots of cute pictures. And then we spent the afternoon at the park one day with the puppies. And then our last night we watched movies and cuddled and just tried to memorize how I felt in his arms, the way he smelled, the way he would cup my face in his hands and kiss me... The morning he left was easier than I thought. We went to the holding area and me and another wife spent the two hours chit chatting while they ran around getting their gear ready. And then we held one another for a bit. And then they called them to form up and after that my husband's squad called for a meeting and when they were finished with that they had to form up to leave again, and they were marched out the door..we wouldn't have been able to say good-bye except that Shawn turned around and came back to give me one more hug and kiss before he loaded the bus.

Other than that he is doing well. 8 days down 357 to go. :D There are times when it feels like its been a month when other days I'm like oh my gosh its already been a week! I have stayed really busy with school and work, plus the last two days I've been helping my best friend move. Not to mention the dogs, house, errands, and bills. OH!! And I'm leasing a little dappled grey Arabian/Quarter Horse. She is soo cute, and she has already done so well for me. She's like my therapy right now.

I'm also looking forward to seeing all my friends and family when I go visit Florida in a few days...11 to be exact. :) I'm planning a big get together with everyone from my old job, wings from The Diner, a spa day with my little sister, maybe a trip to Universal with my friend Dexter, eating SUPER YUMMY FLORIDA FOOOODDD!!! lol..and lots of time with my Mom and family. I don't want to do a whole bunch of "going-being-seeing" I wanna relax, take a load off, and spend some quality time with my family.

On a couple OMG notes, I have officially been up here for 5 months and 6 days. And on Monday it will be Shawn's and my's 6 month anniversary. And I have been working at American Eagle for over two months too, all craziness I tell you, absolute craziness!!

So I guess that is about it. Everything is going really well and I can't wait to see everybody!!

PEE.ESS:

Top pic: Waiting for him to leave

Middle: On our way to Denali, we are actually standing on this rock overhanging a raging river at the base of the mountain...yea..totallyyyy safe.

Bottom: My Lindsey Lou, who I call Elle <--pronounced like "L."

It's been awhile

Sorry it has been so long (over a month) since my last post, but things have been pretty crazy. I have moved into the keyholder position at AE and it has been quite a whirlwind experience this last month. I feel like I've learned a lot but that I still have a long way to go. But overall things are panning out well.

I am also half-way through my first semester at University of Phoenix and I'm enjoying it actually. Grades are really good and the material has been decently easy, if it is tedious. Trying to find a balance between school, work, and a social life has been a challenge but I feel like I've handled that well too.

The next challenge is Shawn's deployment. We only have a handful of days left before he leaves and the reality of that comes and goes. The last couple weeks have been tough on both of us, causing us to be at one another's necks pretty consistently; up until the last couple of days or so. Lately we have been getting along really well, cuddling on the couch, taking an afternoon nap together, walking the dogs, etc. I think this weekend I'm going to invite one of the couples we really like spending time with and have a big dinner/get together. I received two awesome cookbooks as a wedding gift and haven't tried one recipe. So I'm thinking about having a four course meal completely from scratch and have them over with some drinks (from scratch?) and a movie or something. Something that would be lots of fun for all of us and take our minds off of deployment.

Speaking of which here is a blog on posted on my FB the other day that I would like to share.

Silently I stared out the window, a war going on internally. No music played, no friendly banter, just a tense silence that held the weight of the world. One hand on the steering wheel the other gently holding mine. I had tried picturing this day over and over again but it just didn't happen. Saying good-bye for a year? I thought, shaking my head. I don't want to say good-bye. The silence was a constant reminder of the inevitable. I fought with myself, part of me wanting to jump out of the truck and go home, part of me wanting to scream for him to stop that I couldn't take this, and then of course the strong part of me; being the wife he needed me to be, strong, independent, and supportive. The squeeze of my hand a reminder that I was here, that I would never leave, and that I couldn't wait to hold him again.

We parked. Got out. Grabbed his bags. And for a moment our eyes met, a hundred things being said within the gaze, I'll miss you, Come Home Safe, I'll be home soon, I don't want you to go, I have to leave, you're my everything, I love you. The time has come for him to leave and he wraps me in his arms, and I try to memorize the way he feels, smells, and touches me. He presses his lips to my forehead, whispers I love you and that I'll see you soon, I nod my acceptance, hoarsely whisper I love him back and then, he's gone. Tears scream their displeasure and I ball my fists as if bracing myself for the next year.

I turn, pray, and think come home soon.

I hope that once he leaves that the year passes swiftly. It's not that we haven't been a part for this long before it's just the extra weight of the nature of this separation. Idk. The other night we were sitting in the bedroom and I cuddled up next to his side and just began to sob, and he held me and kissed the top of my forehead quietly "shushing" me, and I told him I didn't want him to go. But I realize that he must and that he wants to, which makes me even more proud of him as my husband and a soldier. Although it doesn't make it any easier.

Well I guess that's about it for me. I'll keep you guys up to date on how things are going here. I should be in FL to visit in about a month, so I look forward to seeing everyone!

What an awesome couple of weeks

It has been an exciting couple of weeks. I started working at AE on the 11th and since then I think I've had a total of three days off? Maybe four? Lol. I went into my second weekend shift this past weekend and the store manager told me to come into work an hour early and to be ready to learn because I was starting keyholder training on Monday the 21st. I should officially become the keyholder about the second week of Aprilish. And I'm finding that, especially when given a project, that I enjoy the job and time goes by quickly. I'm approved for taking off a couple weeks to go see everyone in FL and four day weekends occasionally in the summer.

We also received all of our household goods!!! So I'm actually typing this while sitting on our wonderfully huge, soft couch that my husband fixed up and is amazing. I also created an eyesore of an entertainment center into something really pretty I think. We also rearranged the bedroom and opened up enough space for one of the recliners too and my lingerie chest. All of which is wonderfully placed. Today I'm going to clean the house and fold the laundry and spend more time with Shawn.

Friday I'm getting on the phone with my enrollment advisor so we can get me set-up to begin classes in less then a week. I glanced over the website and I think I'm going to be able to navigate the sites pretty well. I also went ahead and did one of the assignments. Which was super easy; just a 200-300 word auto biography so I can introduce myself to my classmates.

We also celebrated my 21st birthday over the last couple of days. Sunday before my birthday Shawn took me out to one of the nicest restaurants in town and we split a yummy, but different, appetizer of coconut shrimp, then he had the NY Strip and I had the best filet mignon of my life with a rice pilaf type pancake which was to die for!! Then we split a frozen (purposefully) black mousse cake with was just perrrfect. Monday I opened at work and then came home curled up on the couch and finished reading an awesome book. Last night we went out with a couple and had a few drinks, played pool, and cards all of which was a blast. Today is my day off and I am going to enjoy my birthday present from a girlfriend of mine which is all new nail polishes, a foot spa, and nail polish pens for little details.

So basically its been an awesome couple of weeks and I'm getting more and more excited about everything going on right now, and what's in store for school and work. Hope everything is going well for all of you, remember to leave me a couple comments on how you're doing and what you think about my writing. :)

Job, school, and more fun stuff

So I am super duper pooper scooper excited!! I've been holding off updating the blog because I haven't had any really great news happen until today! Two weeks ago I applied to American Eagle and it has been a phone tag event between the hiring manager at AE and my old manager at Red Lobster. But alas! the managers at AE were able to get a hold of my references and I have officially been hired. But the good news doesn't stop there. In my first interview I was asked what I would like to accomplish at the store and I said that I would eventually like to become a manager. Well apparently I made quite an impression because yesterday when I received a call from the manager to ask if I was available for a second interview. She continued and said that she had mentioned to the store manager that I was interested in a management position and that he wanted to meet me. So today I went and met and interviewed with him and it went fantastic. He told me to "expect to move up quickly." Which I was so freaking excited over. I couldn't believe it, and still have a little bit of curiosity as to why they're so excited about me. I'm even slated to meet the District Manager to make a good first impression. So what I wonder is why would they want this for me? A 20-yr-old who has no retail experience, haven't worked for them at all, and I haven't even been a manager anywhere! But I'm not looking a gift horse in the mouth and I thank God that I've been given such an awesome job offering and opportunity.

Another opportunity that I am getting really pumped for is starting school on the 28th. I'm taking two classes towards my AA in the foundations of business; cultural diversity and learning in an information age. I'm hoping to have my AA in a little less than a year. In about two years, give or take, I plan on having my BA in Business Management. I'm taking all of my classes online through the University of Phoenix.

Other than that I'm looking forward to turning 21 in 12 days on the 21st, which means it's my star birthday. Which apparently means that it's just that more special. So I think Shawn and I plan to have a really fun/nice day to celebrate my new job and turning 21. I also know that a couple of my girlfriends and I are planning on going out and having a good time. So pretty much I'm having a really good couple of days and I'm really looking forward to my orientation at work on Friday and beginning classes in a couple of weeks. So I hope everything is going well with everyone else!